yoga in a crooked room

my life lately has been consumed by stories...stories that were so important, so hard, so beautiful, so funny, so sad, so real...and so surreal...but despite all their value and their effect on my life...they aren't my stories to tell.  so i have been coming here with a full heart and only producing a blank page...i have filled other spaces...canvases...phone calls...skillets and baking dishes...but i realized i have been very still lately and that if i am going to live the life i have chosen...the life i love...it was time to make more room inside the spaces of me...

"..the time had come for the witness to move once more.." -some DMT and AM genius

so i have started  moving.  without the benefit of keys to a dance studio, or a college campus where i had access to a dance space, or a climate where moving outside doesn't require expansiveness impeding layers...i started moving in my little red nook (my upstairs apartment in south troy - south troy against the world!)

thing about my apartment...its crooked. 

after a number of late night revisions i pretty much have my furniture and my art supplies fashioned within the space to account for the slant and in such a way that things aren't rolling around or falling over...including me in my day to day activities...but this kind of moving proved to be a bit of a different story.

i think for a while this crookedness is part of why i was so still here..i was somehow conscious that the off center shape of my space was going to reveal something about me...i assumed it would highlight my own off centeredness...my own weaknesses...my own misshapen spaces...

eventually i came to a place where i was so crowded inside there was no room for a deep breath and i knew it was time to stretch, to realign, and to rediscover the spaces in me that i had allowed to shrink with disregard.  i simply needed the room.

i put on the mandala cd from this wonderful band  www.facebook.com/MomentaryProphets  and started with a familiar yoga sequence.  at first the less than square specs of my art room proved to be very much in the way and i was drawn out of my body into my head when my fingers would hit the parts of the ceiling or i would loose my footing on the tilt.  discouraging thoughts emerged that i just might not be able to do this very helpful thing i know how to do for myself in the space i call home.  that somehow the centuries of movement tradition that had served so many were somehow inaccessible to me because my environment was less than ideal. 

 almost in a gesture of defeat i let go of the yogic form and relaxed into a stretch that just felt really good.  one that felt solid and powerful on this unsolid feeling floor.  one that still felt like a stretch but also felt very possible.  without really being aware of it i fell into a new sequence, one that was unlike anything i had done in a class as a student or anything i had taught to students in a class as a teacher.  i didn't abandon the forms i knew but instead of trying to recreate them i connected to the essence of why i learned them..what they were designed to invite and encourage my body to do.  to expand, to shift. to twist. to open. to close. to lift.  to lower.  to release.  to hold. to let go. to be.

 i shifted my trust from the form itself back to my own body, trusting it to know how to use all my knowledge, experiences, and even the space around me in the way that would be most right. for. me.

without having to think or plan or figure or struggle i found myself immersed in a seamless flow of movement that both challenged and soothed me...one where the slanting ceiling served as a perfect place to lean for greater opening of my heart center and core and where the incline of the floor allowed for more consideration of an old injury in my left hip while giving me the fullest and most effective stretch possible.

weakness and strength, good and bad, right and wrong, hard and easy, these were no longer meaningful descriptors.  there were no categories or dichotomies to separate out the parts of me or the world around me.  all things in that moment became simply facets of my reality that had to be fit together in whatever way worked for the good...whether that fit had a recognizable shape or name or even an explanation couldn't have mattered less.

so this is the story that is mine in all that is going on in my world.  the details don't really matter, the message for me right now is that i don't have to fix it, i don't have to start it, or stop it,i don't have to change it, i don't have to understand it or figure it out.  i just have to keep moving in all of it.  moving according to the rhythm deepest inside of me even when that creates dances that i have never done or seen before. 

it is not for me to war against the imperfection of this space that is our world, or to hide from it, but to step down into its very cracks to find the spaces for movements we never imagined possible and to lean into its jutting surfaces to gain momentum for leaps and stretches we once thought were too far.  maybe the condition of my feet mean i will never be a ballerina, but maybe their odd shape is perfect for sliding into those cracks and blazing a trail for what will fill those cracks and bring wholeness.

only the dance between the imperfections of our world and the weaknesses of our own being, set to the music of love and faith and courage, allows the inconceivable work of a holy Choreographer to take the stage.

"and we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God..."

my side of town

in haiti i love washing my clothes by hand...outside...among friends and neighbors...in the warm sunshine...sometimes even in a river...its lovely....

however, my bathtub in upstate ny doesn't have the same ambiance and i admit that i am thankful for the laundromat option.

when i moved to troy i started out at the bright and shiny one up near the bridge heading out of town, the one in one of those awkwardly unnecessary strip mall setups with too much parking, a tanning salon, and a recruiting office, the one recommended to me by co-workers.

later i happened upon one up the hill a little west of there, the one near a really great goodwill, a decent grocery store, and oddly enough an even fancier tanning salon.  this one had more traffic and more bells and whistles, and more folding tables...and don't forget the really great goodwill store.

but today i decided to go to the one on my side of town, the one actually closest to my house, the one with no name and no wifi and no super strength stain sensing washers.  i could describe the place but im sure you  have an idea in your head that is about right so i will skip to the important part. 

 as soon as i opened the door i was greeted with a friendly smile and hello, not by an owner or manager...just by the person who happened to be first to make eye contact with me.  i got an absurd amount of quarters and headed back out to start unloading.  as soon as the few folks gathered inside saw how long it had been since i had done laundry, they filed out into the snow without much ado to help me unload and assemble my bags and piles inside. not like it was a big favor, or like i was helpless...just like it was whatcha do.

once i got my loads going i learned the gentleman with the cane who had greeted me and carried my darks was named Paul. he served time in the Air Force and the Army, he has a niece playing ball at George Mason, and he thought my dog was quite handsome.  i moved a little closer to hear his story about Korea and was greeted by Jeff and Sam.  Jeff was rolling cigarettes and offered everyone in the place one before heading out to smoke one himself.  He thought it was amazing that Luke was being so good in the car and laughed at how he was tracking my every move through the windows of the car and the building.  He inquired about how old my four legged friend was and what kind of breed mix could have made him so darn big.  

later, when i came around the corner with a huge armload of sheets and of course my dear Purple, two young guys who had been having an animated conversation in Spanish since before my arrival conceded the last free dryer to me with exaggerated gestures serving to replace our mismatched words.  i thanked them with the same sweeping animation and moved to the window where a young man with a quietly familiar accent struck up a conversation that was immediately interrupted when we saw a face through the glass that we both recognized.  i knew the face as one of the bartenders where i work, and james knew it as the face of his new math professor at the college where he is studying to be a civil engineer when he returns to his home country in West Africa.  when everything was dry and folded, my new friends Jeff and Sam wished me well in my studies and gave Luke a goodbye scratch behind the ears.  i bought them both a slice of pizza. james helped me fill my car with clean clothes and walked my dog around the block while i picked up a bunch of stuff that i had dropped trying to operate pockets with mittens on.  

there is nothing wrong with those other, "nicer" laundromats...and certainly nothing specifically BAD ever happened to me at any of them.  but in 6 months nothing that has made me happy to be alive and part of the human race has either.  and certainly nothing worth blogging about in the middle of the night.  i like my side of town.

momentary sanity

its a weird thing when you figure out what you are supposed to do with your life. 
especially when you never thought there was going to be "that thing" you were going to do with your life.  and its possible that even if there is "a thing," we are always doing something that will become part of "that thing" we do...and we will always be growing and changing in how we do "that thing" so i guess the moment i am talking about is kind of arbitrary...
but if you never thought there would be such a moment...
the one where suddenly everything you find exciting and magical and fun and important...all your talents and your passions and your quirky ideas...every cause on your heart and dream in your mind....your knowledge and your questions...your experiences and your wonderings....your light and your shadows...your fight and your fears...all fit under the umbrella of one thought, one concept, one vision...
the one where every mental snapshot you ever imagined of yourself and hoped might be at least in the realm of possibilities for how your future might look...and even most of the ones you never figured could be more than just dreams...all suddenly make up the pages of one album...your album...
the one where you suddenly feel every movement you have ever made in your body like the training and choreography that will become the performance that is your life...

well, its one heck of a moment.

fear is paralyzing...humility is mobilizing.

july 19th 2011

if you have clicked your way here, it was probably in search of blogs about africa...i know im way behind...sorry folks, but its my baby's birthday, so you will have to wait at least one more day...tonight i have some things i need to say to her...

dearest rosetaina 'ti rose' 'crank muffin' 'taina' 'ti zwazo' bertrand,
today is the day you might have turned 4 years old if you had not been born HIV positive, or if you hadn't been born so financially poor, or if you had been treated from birth, or if cheez-it crackers were the cure for AIDs....or any of a million other ifs...
today is also the day i will finally say goodbye to you, the day i will stop clinging to who you were in your tiny broken little body and embrace the truth of who and how you are now.
but first i have a few things i need to tell you.
i remember the moment when i first learned that you existed in the world, i remember where i was sitting, and i remember exactly what it felt like.
i remember the way you looked sleeping in the dining room crib the first time i saw you. i remember the moment dorothy sat you on my lap in a tiny blue onesie that swallowed you up. you were so beautiful and precious and important that i didn't even want to touch you with my dirty from the roadtrip hands.
i loved you before i ever laid eyes on you, before i knew your name, before i felt your head resting over my heart, before you and i discovered our shared love of latin music and lime or cheeze flavored junk food, and an inability to work an ipod.
i loved you when you threw up vanilla pediasure down my shirt (again), i loved you when you refused to be bathed unless i was IN the bathtub with you, i loved you when you stole my warm freshly buttered Rosemanie roll and replaced it with your cold half-eaten one.
i loved you when you cried and when you laughed and when you slept and when you refused to fall asleep. i think you get the idea.
i wanted you with me all the time. the only reason i didn't keep you with me every second of every day was because i wanted to believe you would be at dorothy's long after me and so i shouldn't spoil you COMPLETELY as a courtesy to the nannies and to you. somehow, it felt like keeping you all the time would have been to assume you were going to die soon...and i wanted to treat you like a child with a life, not just a child with a disease. its seems ridiculous now and just so you know if i could do it again i would totally suffer the wrath of the nannies for being that annoying white girl who spoils the babies...i would have kept you in our baby sling right by my side as many seconds as physically possible. we both actually have kervens to thank for so many of our days together. somehow he could see right through my guilt complex so he was the one who would bring you upstairs "forcing" me to let you stay with us a while so you wouldn't give the nannies such a fit. God bless that boy.
you never learned to talk before you died but you have spoken into my life in so many ways. i continue to learn from our moments together, and our moments apart.
thank you for teaching me what it means to crawl, how hard and how important it is. thank you for discouraging too much computer use. when i am finding myself in front of this screen for too long i still think of you trying to shut my laptop and it reminds me to consider whether what i am working on is really the best use of the moment. thank you for the times you were stubborn about what you wanted and the times you shared, it has helped me get better at both when the time is right.
there are so many things i could thank you for...the way you made me feel special and important...the way you made us all laugh...the way you made us all think differently about life and about death. all the help with the laundry when you were strapped to by belly :)...the moments you gave me a reason to slow down, to be quiet, to just be. for all the ways you have guided and encouraged and challenged and stretched my heart. who i am becoming and what i will do in the world has a lot to do with knowing and loving you...and with losing you as well. for such a little thing you have made some big waves ti.
knowing you has helped me do a lot of things. even though it was part of why i came back from haiti, i wouldn't have made it to school if it weren't for you. even in dying you managed to help me live better.
about my leaving haiti...i left because i thought it was what i had to do for me and for everyone else in the house - including you. but i need to tell you it was the hardest thing i have ever done. walking away from you that day was so unbelievably painful that i will probably always the physical reaction im having right now just thinking about it. i was such a wreck on the plane i almost caused the guy next to me to have to take another flight. that whole crawling after me bit with the crying and the reaching - not cool missy. but you couldn't walk or talk so i guess it was understandable behavior on your part.
sometimes i wonder if you knew something i didn't...its weird since i knew how sick you were doing so well (shout out to the vertical like on your growth chart at our last appt!) i never dreamed it would be the last time i would see you. i was sure i would be with you again...and also sure i would be with you at the end whenever that did come. i was already gone before the reality of another possibility hit me.
im not sure what i might have done different in saying goodbye - i don't think we would have ever been really good at that no matter what kind of insight we had...i think it would have sucked no matter what.
i don't know exactly how the whole spirit/heaven/eternity thing works in terms of how tuned in you are to things back here but if you have any awareness of this world at all you know how much i regret not going to haiti to be with you at the end. my heart said go and i talked myself into something more logical and sensible,into something easier for other people to accept and understand, easier for me to accomplish and explain. it has taken me a long time to forgive myself for that, which is part of why it has been so hard to come to terms with you being gone. turns out forgiving yourself is much more difficult and humbling than forgiving other people. i guess that is something else you have helped me learn. i know it would have been just as messy and just as awful and probably more so. but i do wish i had been there. i'm sorry i didn't come. i am so sorry baby girl.
and i am so thankful for your mama who was there by your side so faithfully. she loved you so much. i haven't been able to find out anything about how or where she is since the earthquake last january but i have recently decided that i want to try harder. i really want to see her and hug her again if she is still alive. i really want to tell her how amazing her daughter was and how much effect she has had on me, my family, and so many others. how much affect she will always have. i want to thank her for the honor of having you in our home and our lives during such a precious time of your life.
i also want to forgive your father, and maybe even find him too. i'm definitely going to need the Lord's help for both. but i'm realizing that even more so than your mom, it's important that HE know how amazing you were - that would probably go a lot further in changing his heart than just knowing how angry i am. wow, even as i write to tell you what i have learned from knowing you i am learning more....
i know that you will always be a part of me, one that grows and changes with me and that i continue to learn from and to live differently because of...but i know in order for you to be part of a growing and evolving me, i have to let go of the you that you aren't anymore. for so long i just wanted to HOLD you one more time. i always feel you...but i wanted to TOUCH you...but the you that resides in spirit with the Father no longer fits inside that body i wanted to cradle. your spirit is expansive and beautiful and BIG in a way that poor little body could never have had proper room for. it would have always limited you. and i am finally able to see that in wanting you back that way i would only be limiting you too.
now that you are free of it, you are much more YOU, you have room to be as full and as much as you truly are. in letting go of the body i knew as my "ti zwazo" i can make room in my life for who you really are now, who you really always were.
i am looking forward to getting to know you in this way and to carrying your spirit and your beautiful truth with me forever. your presence will always be BIG but it won't be HEAVY anymore. i think that is how my "little bird" would want it.
happy birthday baby.

africa.

it's happening.
it's happening today.
okay...so maybe africa is always happening...but today it is happening to me.

for anyone who has spent more than a few minutes with me this is probably not that surprising I guess since I have been in africa in part of my heart for what seems like always. The vision and dream and desire of being there was so strong in me that I have often forgotten I haven't already been there.

more than just going to africa, I get to go to do the very work there that inspired me to study Dance/Movement Therapy and to challenge myself to return to dance after years of thinking that part of my life had ended. Dancing and moving with the children and families who have experienced so much that is foreign to me in a place that is so far removed from the places I call home will go from vision to reality in the days ahead.

this is humbling and exciting and overwhelming because in the visions and the words spoken over me, people were healed of hurts, discovered their innocence, reclaimed their childhoods, saw the separation between who they were and the things that had happened to them, they understood their value and preciousness to God, THROUGH THEIR DANCING...their dancing with me.


part of the inward journey that has been graduate school as been a desire to be "a beginner" to be the one who has the most to learn, who isn't in any way the leader...i haven't been able to find that place completely in these two years...until now. in this amazing group of people with whom i get to travel...i am the beginner in so many ways. not only that, i feel no pressure to be more than that. this is where i will crawl. and this is also where i will grieve. this is where i will forgive and let go.

very few things scare me. but i am afraid.

this opportunity is a divine appointment between my exact hopes for how a trip to africa would be structured and the very edges of my faith and trust, in myself and in the Lord.

i have decided to be there. and today i take the first steps from which there is really no turning back.

i absolutely do not have what it takes to finish this month according to the world, physically, emotionally, professionally, financially. i have less money, less experience, less training, and less muscle than most everyone i will be with.
suddenly i sound like every other odd character that God has ever used to do something incredible. something just.so.God.

this, more than anything maybe, is exactly why it feels so right to be going now and in this way and with this group.
this, more than anything maybe, is why i am afraid.

for anyone who is interested in learning more about what i am doing where here is a little rundown:

We will join drama therapists and fellow students in urban and village settings in Kenya and Uganda, where we will exchange knowledge and techniques with African theatre practitioners, counselors, social workers, and other group leaders who help heal and transform their communities. Using applied theatre and drama therapy methods, our work with community leaders will focus on several outcomes:

In Nairobi, Kenya, working with the Amani People's Theatre ( http://www.aptkenya.org www.aptkenya.org ), we will focus on street children in remand homes.

In Budondo village, Uganda, working with the Atua Theatre Troupe and Budondo Intercultural Center ( www.budondo.wordpress.com ), we will focus on women’s reproductive health.

In the Great Rift Valley in northern Kenya, and villages near the coast of the Indian Ocean, we will focus on preventing election-related violence.

In Northern Uganda, we will focus on rehabilitating and healing trauma in child soldiers after 20 years of war.

Another group we will be working with is the Rifiki Participatatory/Forum Theatre Troupe ( http://www.rafiki-theatre.org ).

ultimately, these people and groups recognize the power of movement, drama and music as healers and tools for communication and change. they see them as particularly useful to their cultures who live so immersed in these forms already in their daily lives. as such, they have invited us to come and to work with them to share the resources we have about how to take these art forms and make them part of the healing and growing process for body and spirit, individual, family, community, nation, and continent.

we are humbled and honored to share and eager to learn from all the wisdom they have to offer as well.

it feels important to thank everyone who has honored my heart's desires by supporting me and those who have honored my heart's desires by challenging me and asking the hard questions, those who have understood my crazy lack of schedule or plans, those who store my stuff, those who watch my dog, those who have given me grace for not returning phone calls or emails, those who have put up with excessive phone calls or emails...there are so many ways people have loved me into this place.
each of you have been part of why i believe i will be able to do this and that it will be right and good. and hard. and scary. and fun. and strange. and awful. and beautiful. each of you who will hold me in your heart for even a moment are part of the magic and the holiness of this with me.

thank you.


i hope to have some internet access and to keep people at least mildly updated but you can expect a flood of caseystories once i land back on this side of the pond.

you may wanna get some floaties.



ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE EMAIL UPDATES SHOULD CONTACT ME AT cnichols3@antioch.edu AND I WILL DO MY BEST!

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO SUPPORT THIS WORK AND MY OTHER WORK TO OFFER HEALING THROUGH DANCE IN THE US AND IN HAITI PLEASE VISIT www.muchministries.org OR ME AT THE ABOVE EMAIL

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO SUPPORT ME IN THIS WORK AND AS A HUMAN BEING THROUGH PRAYER DOESN'T HAVE TO CONTACT ANYONE...BUT I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW ABOUT IT!

today (really it was friday but on friday it was called today)

Today a million things will have gone wrong in the world.
And today it was my job to skip down the hall with a 16 year old girl while wearing funny hats and believing that life could be really good.
And somehow, right now, that wins.