i was always different. i used to fight that and try to fit in...oh how cliche to even say...but i didn't and i secretly didn't really want to so i was never very good at it. so over time, and through some really beautiful friendships, i have seen the inside me and the outside me look more and more like the same lady. it has been nice...someone said that my inner hippie has finally emerged...maybe so.
but i think that doesn't say it all. and i am discovering how important that is...because i had this idea that truly being myself would make things so much more simple.
and sometimes it does.
but sometimes it doesn't.
making peace with that reality...even more so...understanding the VALUE of that reality...is kind of hard....
i have this delusion that i am so simple. and i like the idea. but the truth is i am not...
but i am discovering that might be okay...that might be a good thing. it is like the difference in juice and wine. i like juice. juice is simple, and healthy, and lovely. but this summer i became sure that after a lifetime of never being interested in alcoholic beverages that i should start drinking wine. at least try it. i had some theories as to why but i don't think they were the whole story. after drinking some wine (with and without mountain dew mama kati) this is what i have discovered...
wine it isn't as easy to drink but its flavor is much richer
wine has a totally different and more immediately noticeable effect on the body
wine usually takes longer to produce
wine almost has layers of taste to it
wine isn't for everyone
wine can't go back to being juice
wine can satisfy in smaller amounts
wine costs more
i could go on but, in essence, wine is complicated. but its complexities are what make it so sought after. you can imagine where i have taken the above in the metaphor...but basically...becoming juice is a roughly automatic effect of being the liquid in a fruit...becoming wine, especially good wine, is an art.
there is of course a place for both at the table, the juice and the wine...the simple and the complex. one is not more needed than the other...nor should one replace the other...and that is the beauty of it. the moments when we find ourselves refreshingly simple are as valuable, but not necessarily more so, than the moments that we are at our most intricate.
life can be simple even if i am complicated...
and maybe i have been juice long enough...i am not going sour...i am becoming wine...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
so i walked into the woods today...
and pondered this idea (not an original idea exactly)....
what if the time we spend waiting on answers from god are not just his way of forcing us to exercise faith but him TRUSTING us with his SILENCE .... his faith in us to NOT HEAR and still believe...we say that a great indicator of a healthy and intimate relationship is the ability to sit in silence with one another...what if his silence is not just him challenging me and inviting me to something more but HONORING me with something more...
what if the time we spend waiting on answers from god are not just his way of forcing us to exercise faith but him TRUSTING us with his SILENCE .... his faith in us to NOT HEAR and still believe...we say that a great indicator of a healthy and intimate relationship is the ability to sit in silence with one another...what if his silence is not just him challenging me and inviting me to something more but HONORING me with something more...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
a little homework help for my sister...your turn ll
this is a little old but i am putting it up to remind my sister she has heart homework...and i think i needed some reminding of things too...so yeah...these are some things i became aware of during a time when i had let myself start believing i wasn't worth the trouble...everyone is worth the trouble...but i have this amazing ability to firmly believe that about everyone and yet completely refuse to believe it about me(see line 15)...i might not be the only one with this mysterious gift...if you need a heart homework assignment just let me know...
i have realized that for someone to let me into their universe demands a lot of a person....
it means getting used to unwashed hair
it requires a certain amount of faith in your seatbelt
it is the purse...and all that includes
it is letting me call my self drama free while being a complicated mess that makes life way too hard sometimes
it involves u-turns
it means pajamas are not for sleeping...they are for final exams, the grocery store and saturday mornings at waffle house
lip reading certainly helps
it means getting places late or being the ones to come early to set up and stay late to clean up...and then probably give someone a ride home
it means no more fast food chains
it is being able to take me to lunch in the skirt i wore yesterday...and slept in last night...on someone's porch
it is letting me baby you...or be mean mama....
it is forcing me to let you baby me...or be mean mama when i need it..and i really do
it involves a lot of pee breaks
there are a lot of food rules....hot and cold!
it demands a tolerance for the occasional seemingly unnecessary tears and accompanying self-esteem induced hyprocisy
it does not involve hand sanitizer
the endless casey stories!
for these things and many more i would like to take full responsibility for how they make knowing me a little extra work
but knowing me also demands some other things...
it is laughing alot...even if it is just AT me
its learning all kinds of things that i am totally willing to look up on the internet for you
it involves hearing the truth for all the right reasons
it means the long prayer can still be the quick prayer
there will be dancing
its the purse...and all that includes
it is hearing constant evidence of how big God is and how much he loves us
it makes you think
it approves a pretty automatic adoption into an crazily amazing couple of families
it means letting yourself be seen as valuable and powerful
it is full of surprises
it is void of wal-mart
it always involves great food....and snacks
it is getting confronted with the greatest and most dangerous parts of who you might be
appreciation for "good ice" is precious wisdom
it means getting prayed for...right in the middle of a conversation...sometimes with my eyes open
it definitely includes beach time
it means freedom
it asks you to create space in your life for something revolutionary
it is fun...most of the time anyway
it is to be loved really really hard...and all that really being loved requires
...and i accept responsibility for that too
so, yeah, i am demanding...and i have decided that i think that is okay
i have realized that for someone to let me into their universe demands a lot of a person....
it means getting used to unwashed hair
it requires a certain amount of faith in your seatbelt
it is the purse...and all that includes
it is letting me call my self drama free while being a complicated mess that makes life way too hard sometimes
it involves u-turns
it means pajamas are not for sleeping...they are for final exams, the grocery store and saturday mornings at waffle house
lip reading certainly helps
it means getting places late or being the ones to come early to set up and stay late to clean up...and then probably give someone a ride home
it means no more fast food chains
it is being able to take me to lunch in the skirt i wore yesterday...and slept in last night...on someone's porch
it is letting me baby you...or be mean mama....
it is forcing me to let you baby me...or be mean mama when i need it..and i really do
it involves a lot of pee breaks
there are a lot of food rules....hot and cold!
it demands a tolerance for the occasional seemingly unnecessary tears and accompanying self-esteem induced hyprocisy
it does not involve hand sanitizer
the endless casey stories!
for these things and many more i would like to take full responsibility for how they make knowing me a little extra work
but knowing me also demands some other things...
it is laughing alot...even if it is just AT me
its learning all kinds of things that i am totally willing to look up on the internet for you
it involves hearing the truth for all the right reasons
it means the long prayer can still be the quick prayer
there will be dancing
its the purse...and all that includes
it is hearing constant evidence of how big God is and how much he loves us
it makes you think
it approves a pretty automatic adoption into an crazily amazing couple of families
it means letting yourself be seen as valuable and powerful
it is full of surprises
it is void of wal-mart
it always involves great food....and snacks
it is getting confronted with the greatest and most dangerous parts of who you might be
appreciation for "good ice" is precious wisdom
it means getting prayed for...right in the middle of a conversation...sometimes with my eyes open
it definitely includes beach time
it means freedom
it asks you to create space in your life for something revolutionary
it is fun...most of the time anyway
it is to be loved really really hard...and all that really being loved requires
...and i accept responsibility for that too
so, yeah, i am demanding...and i have decided that i think that is okay
man am i ever bad at this....
after realizing that i have been a car accident, gone to haiti, come back from haiti without my junebug since i last wrote here...and that doesn't even begin to cover any of the in between amazing storieness....i am becoming aware that i am thinking about this blog thing all wrong...i am never going to be good at doing it this way...but the only reason i started this was because i felt like i was really supposed to and that it would be good for me...and it is when i do it...so from now on it might not be in order, might not make sense, might leave really huge things out...but because sometimes someone needs to read my may 27th...and then sometimes i need to find that out and read my may 27th again too...i am really going to tell my caseystories...thanks jennifer
general recap:
no car
no job
no idea how it is going to work out but the thing is i KNOW it will...stay tuned!!
right now i am in a place where you type a lot of things and then delete them...it makes me think about all the things i have typed and then deleted...thought but never said...written but never mailed....it would be interesting if all that stuff was in some re-cycle bin on a mental desktop somewhere...or maybe not....
the other night i had dinner with some new friends here after class and it went something like this.... real homeade korean noodles, chinese rice, indian soup... all covered with processed parmesean cheese...a little wine...lots of laughing...a full belly and a heart(that was running on empty) a little fuller too...moments like these remind me why i love the way that i live my life...even when i am not doing such a good job of living it that way...thank you to the ladies, gentleman, and friends of 21 page street...
i feel like i should say something about this last trip to haiti but there is so much that i never do...that is always how haiti is for me....i had so much peace about coming back (which was pretty remarkable considering i left even more behind than normal)...but now that i am back it is much harder to see things here the right way...and i miss my ti zwazo so much.
okay...my baby...i will just go there...i can't even say the word baby without thinking of her...everything...EVERYTHING...makes me think of her..even more than before because now it is really real. she is really gone. and she really died without me holding her again, holding her knowing it would be the last time. the last time i saw her she was crawling after me and reaching for me and i just had to walk away, get in the car and leave her. nothing has ever felt so wrong in my whole life and it still feels wrong...it still does awful things to my stomach and my heart to even remember it. i am starting to think it isn't ever going to feel better. and i don't really want it to. but i have reached that point where it feels like the world is ready for me to move on and be okay. so i feel ridiculous being so wrecked by the loss of a child i knew was going to die and that i only knew a matter of months... but she was my baby...i don't know why but i felt it before i ever even saw her...before i even knew her name...i loved her before i even thought about it. but then i left her...and i can't go back.
i don't think i have been able to trust a single thing i have done since.
wow...i didn't know that was in there but it suddenly makes the last 3 months of my life make a lot more sense...i think this is all i can handle for now...
general recap:
no car
no job
no idea how it is going to work out but the thing is i KNOW it will...stay tuned!!
right now i am in a place where you type a lot of things and then delete them...it makes me think about all the things i have typed and then deleted...thought but never said...written but never mailed....it would be interesting if all that stuff was in some re-cycle bin on a mental desktop somewhere...or maybe not....
the other night i had dinner with some new friends here after class and it went something like this.... real homeade korean noodles, chinese rice, indian soup... all covered with processed parmesean cheese...a little wine...lots of laughing...a full belly and a heart(that was running on empty) a little fuller too...moments like these remind me why i love the way that i live my life...even when i am not doing such a good job of living it that way...thank you to the ladies, gentleman, and friends of 21 page street...
i feel like i should say something about this last trip to haiti but there is so much that i never do...that is always how haiti is for me....i had so much peace about coming back (which was pretty remarkable considering i left even more behind than normal)...but now that i am back it is much harder to see things here the right way...and i miss my ti zwazo so much.
okay...my baby...i will just go there...i can't even say the word baby without thinking of her...everything...EVERYTHING...makes me think of her..even more than before because now it is really real. she is really gone. and she really died without me holding her again, holding her knowing it would be the last time. the last time i saw her she was crawling after me and reaching for me and i just had to walk away, get in the car and leave her. nothing has ever felt so wrong in my whole life and it still feels wrong...it still does awful things to my stomach and my heart to even remember it. i am starting to think it isn't ever going to feel better. and i don't really want it to. but i have reached that point where it feels like the world is ready for me to move on and be okay. so i feel ridiculous being so wrecked by the loss of a child i knew was going to die and that i only knew a matter of months... but she was my baby...i don't know why but i felt it before i ever even saw her...before i even knew her name...i loved her before i even thought about it. but then i left her...and i can't go back.
i don't think i have been able to trust a single thing i have done since.
wow...i didn't know that was in there but it suddenly makes the last 3 months of my life make a lot more sense...i think this is all i can handle for now...
Friday, September 11, 2009
a week from haiti...
so i have put my stuff in drawers and groceries in cabinets and luke has started barking at all approaching cars (including mine) like he is guarding the entrance to fort knox so i guess you could say we are getting "settled in"...i have already had two weeks of school which is weird in a way...i'm realizing that it is going to go by so fast...and that so much is going to happen in this time that i need to be really intentional about taking it all in...so here are some things that happened this week that i hope i don't forget...
we watched some videos in pro sem about pioneer dance therapists and one showed work with two autistic young girls...it was beyond powerful and was emotional itself...these moments of almost supernatural connection that happened with these children who had never had a relationship with another human being because of their condition...and it brought to me the flashes of moments...especially moments in haiti...where i've had similar experiences...blinking with ivenson and givenson....dancing with isna...stargazing and singing with marvins...sign language with emmanuella...having my nose doctored and eye lids raised and lowered for me by ti rose...this of course brought up the fact that in a week i will be back in haiti...i will be hugging those children, i will be seeing the progresses that have been made on buildings and programs and in childrens' developments...and with that comes facing some realities very fully and finally...
elizabeth and i found a "fill a bag for a dollar" thrift store sale and had a glorious time exploring...and i wore my favorite find (favorite besides the ruffled muu muu of course) on thursday...we are calling it the "not big but dramatic black shirt that may or may not have come off the maternity rack but i am rocking it anyway" shirt. and i love it.
we went out to celebrate the birthdays in our cohort for the month of september and i found myself really being myself...i mean really...without thinking about it at all...and it was really really lovely...
i went on a job search that consisted of some very frustrating clicking (clicking: use of technology, specifically computers) and then a walk all over downtown keene...usually carrying my left shoe until i was about to enter a business...asking the question that apparently hundreds of other college students in this town have already asked "are you taking applications?"...my favorite response was "sure, im takin a lot of them. i have to. i can throw them away when you leave but i have to take them." but at some point i saw something i really wanted a picture of. then i realized i had a camera (thanks mama!) and so i stopped and took a few shots...and i it occurred to me that i could decide if i had had a fairly unsuccessful job search or a thoroughly successful one shoed walk through downtown that resulted in some lovely photos, happy moments with street musicians, women with babies, bartenders and a couple of kindred spirits who had chosen to go sans footwear...and that this beautiful day might result in some future employment...and that is what i decided that i had yesterday...
after that i met up with candy lo and ritu for a grocery store excursion and gave my dear friend from hong kong her first stateside driving lesson...very very fun!
and for those of you who know that provision has been an issue heavy on my heart you will be happy to hear that not only did i have a real breakthrough in my spirit about it yesterday, i also had a great talk with candy that evening (over a lovely dinner!)...and i am realizing that i am exactly right that it is out there...that HE has it for me...and HE intends to give it to me in ridiculously fun ways...but he is leaving some space...making some space...for me to give him more glory...for more good to come of what he does when he does it...and i am actually getting really excited about that.
so today it is more job applications...(the clicking has gone much better today btdubs), some laundry, some reading if the library has the books, some homework, maybe some art this afternoon but mostly it is making sure that tonight i think today was a successful day of something...even if it isn't exactly the something i thought i was supposed to succeed in today...i think there is something really important about learning how to see life this way...
we watched some videos in pro sem about pioneer dance therapists and one showed work with two autistic young girls...it was beyond powerful and was emotional itself...these moments of almost supernatural connection that happened with these children who had never had a relationship with another human being because of their condition...and it brought to me the flashes of moments...especially moments in haiti...where i've had similar experiences...blinking with ivenson and givenson....dancing with isna...stargazing and singing with marvins...sign language with emmanuella...having my nose doctored and eye lids raised and lowered for me by ti rose...this of course brought up the fact that in a week i will be back in haiti...i will be hugging those children, i will be seeing the progresses that have been made on buildings and programs and in childrens' developments...and with that comes facing some realities very fully and finally...
elizabeth and i found a "fill a bag for a dollar" thrift store sale and had a glorious time exploring...and i wore my favorite find (favorite besides the ruffled muu muu of course) on thursday...we are calling it the "not big but dramatic black shirt that may or may not have come off the maternity rack but i am rocking it anyway" shirt. and i love it.
we went out to celebrate the birthdays in our cohort for the month of september and i found myself really being myself...i mean really...without thinking about it at all...and it was really really lovely...
i went on a job search that consisted of some very frustrating clicking (clicking: use of technology, specifically computers) and then a walk all over downtown keene...usually carrying my left shoe until i was about to enter a business...asking the question that apparently hundreds of other college students in this town have already asked "are you taking applications?"...my favorite response was "sure, im takin a lot of them. i have to. i can throw them away when you leave but i have to take them." but at some point i saw something i really wanted a picture of. then i realized i had a camera (thanks mama!) and so i stopped and took a few shots...and i it occurred to me that i could decide if i had had a fairly unsuccessful job search or a thoroughly successful one shoed walk through downtown that resulted in some lovely photos, happy moments with street musicians, women with babies, bartenders and a couple of kindred spirits who had chosen to go sans footwear...and that this beautiful day might result in some future employment...and that is what i decided that i had yesterday...
after that i met up with candy lo and ritu for a grocery store excursion and gave my dear friend from hong kong her first stateside driving lesson...very very fun!
and for those of you who know that provision has been an issue heavy on my heart you will be happy to hear that not only did i have a real breakthrough in my spirit about it yesterday, i also had a great talk with candy that evening (over a lovely dinner!)...and i am realizing that i am exactly right that it is out there...that HE has it for me...and HE intends to give it to me in ridiculously fun ways...but he is leaving some space...making some space...for me to give him more glory...for more good to come of what he does when he does it...and i am actually getting really excited about that.
so today it is more job applications...(the clicking has gone much better today btdubs), some laundry, some reading if the library has the books, some homework, maybe some art this afternoon but mostly it is making sure that tonight i think today was a successful day of something...even if it isn't exactly the something i thought i was supposed to succeed in today...i think there is something really important about learning how to see life this way...
Friday, September 4, 2009
a letter to her...
ti zwazo
you smell like vanilla and you fit perfectly on my chest. that doesn't comfort at all though - you shouldn't - you are almost 2 years old for crying out loud. you lay here with a weight much heavier than your ten and a half pounds and suffer for the sins or the ignorance or the carelessness of others...whatever it is called...nothing has ever seemed so unfair.
your body seems to have given up already...except for the way it clings to mine. and the way you reach out to be held...with your hands, but with your eyes too. so i keep filling your belly, if you can call 10 cc of anything filling...every hour, on the hour...willing you, begging you to see beyond this moment and this pain. but some very angry part of me knows that i won't ever know you as a grown up girl. i won't meet that small but fierce young woman who takes herself a little too seriously but whose smile can stop the whole world from turning.
that woman you should have become...
in my move i found this letter i started to rosetaina not long after she came...i also found a page in my journal where she had scribbled during a clinic visit...you would have thought it was a picaso...
you smell like vanilla and you fit perfectly on my chest. that doesn't comfort at all though - you shouldn't - you are almost 2 years old for crying out loud. you lay here with a weight much heavier than your ten and a half pounds and suffer for the sins or the ignorance or the carelessness of others...whatever it is called...nothing has ever seemed so unfair.
your body seems to have given up already...except for the way it clings to mine. and the way you reach out to be held...with your hands, but with your eyes too. so i keep filling your belly, if you can call 10 cc of anything filling...every hour, on the hour...willing you, begging you to see beyond this moment and this pain. but some very angry part of me knows that i won't ever know you as a grown up girl. i won't meet that small but fierce young woman who takes herself a little too seriously but whose smile can stop the whole world from turning.
that woman you should have become...
in my move i found this letter i started to rosetaina not long after she came...i also found a page in my journal where she had scribbled during a clinic visit...you would have thought it was a picaso...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
the adventure so far....
so school started on tuesday but i just officially unpacked today and took my first shower of the week (sorry dmt cohort) so i am just really getting my brain around this thing that i have done...here have been some high points so far...
26 hours in the LUMINA with all my worldly possesions and LUKE...with a 2 hour break on the side of interstate 87...if you are ever feeling distant from your 100 lb dog...just move 1100 miles away with him...the drive will connect you in all sorts of new ways...and dogs make great roadtrip buddies...they let you pick the radio station, they like to eat anywhere you do, and you can still sing at the top of your lungs if you feel like it and it isn't all awkward...
orientation was great...they even let luke participate...i love the ladies in my program and my professors...also made some connections with girls from the SOUTH...they heard me coming a mile away...
MY HOUSE...so i met my new house and my new roomates and they all met LUKE...it went really great...it is an old farmhouse on 200 acres of undeveloped woods for us both to wander in...just about 10 minutes from school and a super easy drive...luke got along with everyone including their dog faith and the new kittens...while we were there we saw two bucks eating from the apple tree in the front yard and a double rainbow...i am taking both as good signs! my roomates are super nice and very helpful...and i have a clawfoot bathtub! i really love that.
since they were still re-arranging for our arrival luke and i headed up to ellsworth for a few days to give them a chance to finish...luke got to meet jenny jones and junebug's family...i got to swim in graham lake and see the "big rock"...and it was a very. big. rock. i really do love maine. and lots of people in it.
as for actual school...here is the low down...i go to a grad school where you are required to remove your shoes before you enter the majority of our classes, there are no tests, we laugh and make noise and dance around like children as PART OF OUR GRADE, i spend my days in a room full of amazing women who not only appreciate my passions...they SHARE THEM...it is going to be intense and tough but it is also going to be amazing...i love the teachers, i love the the mindset of this place, i love my classmates...
speaking of my classmates...what a group of women...one of them has worked with the peace corps, one is a playwright who saw her daughter through a brain tumor (daughter started college the same day we did), one worked at HONG KONG DISNEY (and she knew right away i would want to be one of the "brown" princess...i like that :), one loves candy and snacks as much as i do (yeah we sit together a lot), one is a mother of a three year old who also cares for her disabled mother, and one girl has come from india (her first time away from her family and she moved in the saturday before classes) just to study dance therapy - i think of her if i start to get overwhelmed by my move...pshish :)...there is a brave and beautiful story for each of them and and i am so honored to be taking this journey with them...
there was definitely a moment this week when i kind of freaked out...i realized that i hadn't just thought about it or talked about it...i had actually done this...i had packed up and moved away, i had rented a room in a farmhouse in new hampshire, i had taken out a student loan and enrolled in a well respected and really tough graduate school...i have never bet so much on myself or invested this way in myself and my dreams...and i know i never would have without the love and wisdom i have been so blessed to live in for so much of my life. there are so many of you that have poured into me in truly remarkable ways and your giving has made this new season of my life a reality. thank you.
p.s. all the gas stations around my house a called "t birds"....
26 hours in the LUMINA with all my worldly possesions and LUKE...with a 2 hour break on the side of interstate 87...if you are ever feeling distant from your 100 lb dog...just move 1100 miles away with him...the drive will connect you in all sorts of new ways...and dogs make great roadtrip buddies...they let you pick the radio station, they like to eat anywhere you do, and you can still sing at the top of your lungs if you feel like it and it isn't all awkward...
orientation was great...they even let luke participate...i love the ladies in my program and my professors...also made some connections with girls from the SOUTH...they heard me coming a mile away...
MY HOUSE...so i met my new house and my new roomates and they all met LUKE...it went really great...it is an old farmhouse on 200 acres of undeveloped woods for us both to wander in...just about 10 minutes from school and a super easy drive...luke got along with everyone including their dog faith and the new kittens...while we were there we saw two bucks eating from the apple tree in the front yard and a double rainbow...i am taking both as good signs! my roomates are super nice and very helpful...and i have a clawfoot bathtub! i really love that.
since they were still re-arranging for our arrival luke and i headed up to ellsworth for a few days to give them a chance to finish...luke got to meet jenny jones and junebug's family...i got to swim in graham lake and see the "big rock"...and it was a very. big. rock. i really do love maine. and lots of people in it.
as for actual school...here is the low down...i go to a grad school where you are required to remove your shoes before you enter the majority of our classes, there are no tests, we laugh and make noise and dance around like children as PART OF OUR GRADE, i spend my days in a room full of amazing women who not only appreciate my passions...they SHARE THEM...it is going to be intense and tough but it is also going to be amazing...i love the teachers, i love the the mindset of this place, i love my classmates...
speaking of my classmates...what a group of women...one of them has worked with the peace corps, one is a playwright who saw her daughter through a brain tumor (daughter started college the same day we did), one worked at HONG KONG DISNEY (and she knew right away i would want to be one of the "brown" princess...i like that :), one loves candy and snacks as much as i do (yeah we sit together a lot), one is a mother of a three year old who also cares for her disabled mother, and one girl has come from india (her first time away from her family and she moved in the saturday before classes) just to study dance therapy - i think of her if i start to get overwhelmed by my move...pshish :)...there is a brave and beautiful story for each of them and and i am so honored to be taking this journey with them...
there was definitely a moment this week when i kind of freaked out...i realized that i hadn't just thought about it or talked about it...i had actually done this...i had packed up and moved away, i had rented a room in a farmhouse in new hampshire, i had taken out a student loan and enrolled in a well respected and really tough graduate school...i have never bet so much on myself or invested this way in myself and my dreams...and i know i never would have without the love and wisdom i have been so blessed to live in for so much of my life. there are so many of you that have poured into me in truly remarkable ways and your giving has made this new season of my life a reality. thank you.
p.s. all the gas stations around my house a called "t birds"....
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