so i have put my stuff in drawers and groceries in cabinets and luke has started barking at all approaching cars (including mine) like he is guarding the entrance to fort knox so i guess you could say we are getting "settled in"...i have already had two weeks of school which is weird in a way...i'm realizing that it is going to go by so fast...and that so much is going to happen in this time that i need to be really intentional about taking it all in...so here are some things that happened this week that i hope i don't forget...
we watched some videos in pro sem about pioneer dance therapists and one showed work with two autistic young girls...it was beyond powerful and was emotional itself...these moments of almost supernatural connection that happened with these children who had never had a relationship with another human being because of their condition...and it brought to me the flashes of moments...especially moments in haiti...where i've had similar experiences...blinking with ivenson and givenson....dancing with isna...stargazing and singing with marvins...sign language with emmanuella...having my nose doctored and eye lids raised and lowered for me by ti rose...this of course brought up the fact that in a week i will be back in haiti...i will be hugging those children, i will be seeing the progresses that have been made on buildings and programs and in childrens' developments...and with that comes facing some realities very fully and finally...
elizabeth and i found a "fill a bag for a dollar" thrift store sale and had a glorious time exploring...and i wore my favorite find (favorite besides the ruffled muu muu of course) on thursday...we are calling it the "not big but dramatic black shirt that may or may not have come off the maternity rack but i am rocking it anyway" shirt. and i love it.
we went out to celebrate the birthdays in our cohort for the month of september and i found myself really being myself...i mean really...without thinking about it at all...and it was really really lovely...
i went on a job search that consisted of some very frustrating clicking (clicking: use of technology, specifically computers) and then a walk all over downtown keene...usually carrying my left shoe until i was about to enter a business...asking the question that apparently hundreds of other college students in this town have already asked "are you taking applications?"...my favorite response was "sure, im takin a lot of them. i have to. i can throw them away when you leave but i have to take them." but at some point i saw something i really wanted a picture of. then i realized i had a camera (thanks mama!) and so i stopped and took a few shots...and i it occurred to me that i could decide if i had had a fairly unsuccessful job search or a thoroughly successful one shoed walk through downtown that resulted in some lovely photos, happy moments with street musicians, women with babies, bartenders and a couple of kindred spirits who had chosen to go sans footwear...and that this beautiful day might result in some future employment...and that is what i decided that i had yesterday...
after that i met up with candy lo and ritu for a grocery store excursion and gave my dear friend from hong kong her first stateside driving lesson...very very fun!
and for those of you who know that provision has been an issue heavy on my heart you will be happy to hear that not only did i have a real breakthrough in my spirit about it yesterday, i also had a great talk with candy that evening (over a lovely dinner!)...and i am realizing that i am exactly right that it is out there...that HE has it for me...and HE intends to give it to me in ridiculously fun ways...but he is leaving some space...making some space...for me to give him more glory...for more good to come of what he does when he does it...and i am actually getting really excited about that.
so today it is more job applications...(the clicking has gone much better today btdubs), some laundry, some reading if the library has the books, some homework, maybe some art this afternoon but mostly it is making sure that tonight i think today was a successful day of something...even if it isn't exactly the something i thought i was supposed to succeed in today...i think there is something really important about learning how to see life this way...
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
a letter to her...
ti zwazo
you smell like vanilla and you fit perfectly on my chest. that doesn't comfort at all though - you shouldn't - you are almost 2 years old for crying out loud. you lay here with a weight much heavier than your ten and a half pounds and suffer for the sins or the ignorance or the carelessness of others...whatever it is called...nothing has ever seemed so unfair.
your body seems to have given up already...except for the way it clings to mine. and the way you reach out to be held...with your hands, but with your eyes too. so i keep filling your belly, if you can call 10 cc of anything filling...every hour, on the hour...willing you, begging you to see beyond this moment and this pain. but some very angry part of me knows that i won't ever know you as a grown up girl. i won't meet that small but fierce young woman who takes herself a little too seriously but whose smile can stop the whole world from turning.
that woman you should have become...
in my move i found this letter i started to rosetaina not long after she came...i also found a page in my journal where she had scribbled during a clinic visit...you would have thought it was a picaso...
you smell like vanilla and you fit perfectly on my chest. that doesn't comfort at all though - you shouldn't - you are almost 2 years old for crying out loud. you lay here with a weight much heavier than your ten and a half pounds and suffer for the sins or the ignorance or the carelessness of others...whatever it is called...nothing has ever seemed so unfair.
your body seems to have given up already...except for the way it clings to mine. and the way you reach out to be held...with your hands, but with your eyes too. so i keep filling your belly, if you can call 10 cc of anything filling...every hour, on the hour...willing you, begging you to see beyond this moment and this pain. but some very angry part of me knows that i won't ever know you as a grown up girl. i won't meet that small but fierce young woman who takes herself a little too seriously but whose smile can stop the whole world from turning.
that woman you should have become...
in my move i found this letter i started to rosetaina not long after she came...i also found a page in my journal where she had scribbled during a clinic visit...you would have thought it was a picaso...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
the adventure so far....
so school started on tuesday but i just officially unpacked today and took my first shower of the week (sorry dmt cohort) so i am just really getting my brain around this thing that i have done...here have been some high points so far...
26 hours in the LUMINA with all my worldly possesions and LUKE...with a 2 hour break on the side of interstate 87...if you are ever feeling distant from your 100 lb dog...just move 1100 miles away with him...the drive will connect you in all sorts of new ways...and dogs make great roadtrip buddies...they let you pick the radio station, they like to eat anywhere you do, and you can still sing at the top of your lungs if you feel like it and it isn't all awkward...
orientation was great...they even let luke participate...i love the ladies in my program and my professors...also made some connections with girls from the SOUTH...they heard me coming a mile away...
MY HOUSE...so i met my new house and my new roomates and they all met LUKE...it went really great...it is an old farmhouse on 200 acres of undeveloped woods for us both to wander in...just about 10 minutes from school and a super easy drive...luke got along with everyone including their dog faith and the new kittens...while we were there we saw two bucks eating from the apple tree in the front yard and a double rainbow...i am taking both as good signs! my roomates are super nice and very helpful...and i have a clawfoot bathtub! i really love that.
since they were still re-arranging for our arrival luke and i headed up to ellsworth for a few days to give them a chance to finish...luke got to meet jenny jones and junebug's family...i got to swim in graham lake and see the "big rock"...and it was a very. big. rock. i really do love maine. and lots of people in it.
as for actual school...here is the low down...i go to a grad school where you are required to remove your shoes before you enter the majority of our classes, there are no tests, we laugh and make noise and dance around like children as PART OF OUR GRADE, i spend my days in a room full of amazing women who not only appreciate my passions...they SHARE THEM...it is going to be intense and tough but it is also going to be amazing...i love the teachers, i love the the mindset of this place, i love my classmates...
speaking of my classmates...what a group of women...one of them has worked with the peace corps, one is a playwright who saw her daughter through a brain tumor (daughter started college the same day we did), one worked at HONG KONG DISNEY (and she knew right away i would want to be one of the "brown" princess...i like that :), one loves candy and snacks as much as i do (yeah we sit together a lot), one is a mother of a three year old who also cares for her disabled mother, and one girl has come from india (her first time away from her family and she moved in the saturday before classes) just to study dance therapy - i think of her if i start to get overwhelmed by my move...pshish :)...there is a brave and beautiful story for each of them and and i am so honored to be taking this journey with them...
there was definitely a moment this week when i kind of freaked out...i realized that i hadn't just thought about it or talked about it...i had actually done this...i had packed up and moved away, i had rented a room in a farmhouse in new hampshire, i had taken out a student loan and enrolled in a well respected and really tough graduate school...i have never bet so much on myself or invested this way in myself and my dreams...and i know i never would have without the love and wisdom i have been so blessed to live in for so much of my life. there are so many of you that have poured into me in truly remarkable ways and your giving has made this new season of my life a reality. thank you.
p.s. all the gas stations around my house a called "t birds"....
26 hours in the LUMINA with all my worldly possesions and LUKE...with a 2 hour break on the side of interstate 87...if you are ever feeling distant from your 100 lb dog...just move 1100 miles away with him...the drive will connect you in all sorts of new ways...and dogs make great roadtrip buddies...they let you pick the radio station, they like to eat anywhere you do, and you can still sing at the top of your lungs if you feel like it and it isn't all awkward...
orientation was great...they even let luke participate...i love the ladies in my program and my professors...also made some connections with girls from the SOUTH...they heard me coming a mile away...
MY HOUSE...so i met my new house and my new roomates and they all met LUKE...it went really great...it is an old farmhouse on 200 acres of undeveloped woods for us both to wander in...just about 10 minutes from school and a super easy drive...luke got along with everyone including their dog faith and the new kittens...while we were there we saw two bucks eating from the apple tree in the front yard and a double rainbow...i am taking both as good signs! my roomates are super nice and very helpful...and i have a clawfoot bathtub! i really love that.
since they were still re-arranging for our arrival luke and i headed up to ellsworth for a few days to give them a chance to finish...luke got to meet jenny jones and junebug's family...i got to swim in graham lake and see the "big rock"...and it was a very. big. rock. i really do love maine. and lots of people in it.
as for actual school...here is the low down...i go to a grad school where you are required to remove your shoes before you enter the majority of our classes, there are no tests, we laugh and make noise and dance around like children as PART OF OUR GRADE, i spend my days in a room full of amazing women who not only appreciate my passions...they SHARE THEM...it is going to be intense and tough but it is also going to be amazing...i love the teachers, i love the the mindset of this place, i love my classmates...
speaking of my classmates...what a group of women...one of them has worked with the peace corps, one is a playwright who saw her daughter through a brain tumor (daughter started college the same day we did), one worked at HONG KONG DISNEY (and she knew right away i would want to be one of the "brown" princess...i like that :), one loves candy and snacks as much as i do (yeah we sit together a lot), one is a mother of a three year old who also cares for her disabled mother, and one girl has come from india (her first time away from her family and she moved in the saturday before classes) just to study dance therapy - i think of her if i start to get overwhelmed by my move...pshish :)...there is a brave and beautiful story for each of them and and i am so honored to be taking this journey with them...
there was definitely a moment this week when i kind of freaked out...i realized that i hadn't just thought about it or talked about it...i had actually done this...i had packed up and moved away, i had rented a room in a farmhouse in new hampshire, i had taken out a student loan and enrolled in a well respected and really tough graduate school...i have never bet so much on myself or invested this way in myself and my dreams...and i know i never would have without the love and wisdom i have been so blessed to live in for so much of my life. there are so many of you that have poured into me in truly remarkable ways and your giving has made this new season of my life a reality. thank you.
p.s. all the gas stations around my house a called "t birds"....
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