Today a million things will have gone wrong in the world.
And today it was my job to skip down the hall with a 16 year old girl while wearing funny hats and believing that life could be really good.
And somehow, right now, that wins.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
so why do we do it?
as I was sitting in my new favorite spot in the antioch library (its like a living room...how did I not know about this when I was carless and LIVING at school first semester?!) when a gentleman came in to use the television set near my comfy couch. We had seen each other often around campus and even said hi but had not offically met...he introduced himself and we started talking. Somehow we got from the joys of the end of semester to the environment to the mountain gorillas of africa, to rwanda – which is where he is from, to my trip to africa, to the differences in communication styles between cultures, to friendship, to relationship, to LOVE.
Funny how everything really does come down to Love...no matter where you start Love is where you eventually end up....between lovers...between friends...between strangers....
between communities....between systems...between paradigms....
between generations....between moments.
No matter what you are buying or selling, doing, saying or believing...in every human transaction Love is that something that we are all trying to figure out how to give and hoping desperately to get.
This beautiful stranger sat with me and instead of watching his video he told me all about how he didn't know anything about Love because he had never had it, never felt it. He told me in great detail about all the aspects of Love he didn't know or understand.
After about half an hour of hearing things like “Love is about learning what matters to someone and making it matter to you too....Love means considering considering how you impact someone else's happiness.....Love makes you crazy, its terrible, because it is everything! It becomes what you eat, what you sleep, what you think, all that matters!....Love is being there even when you don't know how...Love is hard...” I finally said,
“Sounds to me like you have a much better idea than you think!”
He laughed and went on to say he felt he should understand it more....work harder to figure it out. I had to take a deep breath and a long look into that mirror he held up to the foolish image of what I have looked like far too often this year....
Then I said to myself, just out loud so as not to exclude my new friend, “I don't think we get to understand it because it is bigger than us. Its not something we were built to understand, its something we are built to do. It doesn't make sense, it just works. It's hard...it's really hard...”
“So why do we do it?” my holy messenger of wise reflection asked, surely just for effect at this point (nice touch by the way God.)
“Because....because its crazy and its hard and at its very worst it still feels to much better than giving up.” I heard myself reply.
Damn. And we wonder why I can get my neuroscience homework done.
since i don't have the internet i do all things web at once when i get to the library...like post blogs i wrote instead of doing homework while checking my facebook...the following quote was on someone's status as i was posting this blog and it seemed appropriate...its ridiculous...and kind of exactly true.
Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
Funny how everything really does come down to Love...no matter where you start Love is where you eventually end up....between lovers...between friends...between strangers....
between communities....between systems...between paradigms....
between generations....between moments.
No matter what you are buying or selling, doing, saying or believing...in every human transaction Love is that something that we are all trying to figure out how to give and hoping desperately to get.
This beautiful stranger sat with me and instead of watching his video he told me all about how he didn't know anything about Love because he had never had it, never felt it. He told me in great detail about all the aspects of Love he didn't know or understand.
After about half an hour of hearing things like “Love is about learning what matters to someone and making it matter to you too....Love means considering considering how you impact someone else's happiness.....Love makes you crazy, its terrible, because it is everything! It becomes what you eat, what you sleep, what you think, all that matters!....Love is being there even when you don't know how...Love is hard...” I finally said,
“Sounds to me like you have a much better idea than you think!”
He laughed and went on to say he felt he should understand it more....work harder to figure it out. I had to take a deep breath and a long look into that mirror he held up to the foolish image of what I have looked like far too often this year....
Then I said to myself, just out loud so as not to exclude my new friend, “I don't think we get to understand it because it is bigger than us. Its not something we were built to understand, its something we are built to do. It doesn't make sense, it just works. It's hard...it's really hard...”
“So why do we do it?” my holy messenger of wise reflection asked, surely just for effect at this point (nice touch by the way God.)
“Because....because its crazy and its hard and at its very worst it still feels to much better than giving up.” I heard myself reply.
Damn. And we wonder why I can get my neuroscience homework done.
since i don't have the internet i do all things web at once when i get to the library...like post blogs i wrote instead of doing homework while checking my facebook...the following quote was on someone's status as i was posting this blog and it seemed appropriate...its ridiculous...and kind of exactly true.
Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.
Friday, April 22, 2011
faith hope and love...and therapy
thanks to the i am already aware she is amazing and yet she is not an actual acquaintance in the conventional sense lexi holloway my belief that i am supposed to have a blog but not feel obligated to blog according to any sort of schedule or in any way consistently has been completely validated...
so here i come out of what may seem like nowhere to the world wide web but has felt more like out of everywhere to me to say whats on my heart...more like what is being chiseled into my heart with the sharp instrument of life and the hand of a big god super serious about his love thing...
i have been in graduate school for two years now learning about dance movement therapy. before coming here i had already declared Love as my chosen profession but they didn't offer a masters in Love so i settled for something really close...dancing :)(actually i do have textbooks with titles like 'a general theory on love'...i LOVE my school)
but i digress...
the point is, while i have been here in a circle of people who are dynamic, embodied, self aware, radical, and all other kinds of amazing, and we are in a program that is just as amazing in how it engages us in the process and keeps our learning immersed in the truths of life outside the classroom, we have still invested a significant chunk of time in the classroom.
it has been challenging and nurturing, informative and question provoking...and it has taken me and many of those around me into a very heady place where sometimes we begin to see everything through the hypothetical and theoretical lenses we use to view the learning materials. i had a great talk with another amazing georgian (who i am actually acquainted with!) last night about the ways that disecting and examining any subject, particularly one involving humans, can lead to a very constricting pragmatism if we aren't careful that doesn't leave space for the way Truth and Life can and do contradict pattern and logic and expected...all. the. time.
maybe in our hearts we are still claiming hope for what is possible, but with our mouths we begin to expound on evidence and awareness of what is common, or likely, or expected...to be sure that we make it clear we understand and we KNOW what it is we are facing. but as we name the worst case scenario, or even the status quo, more and more...and we name our wildest hopes less all we are really doing is naming our fears and keeping our faiths silent...so we don't look foolish. or ignorant. or ridiculous.
or maybe so we don't lay claim to a miracle that is too big for God to come through on..oh wait...i didn't think those existed...
in our work we talk a lot about being "attached to outcome" and how that affects the work we do with clients. as the therapist our role is to create space for a client to find their own healing, to facilitate the process, to emotionally hold and support them as they find the truths for themselves. it is not our job, nor our right, to change or "fix" another human being or their problems and this is where outcome comes in. we are taught that we must be very aware of the outcomes we are attached to for our clients, as humans we will certainly have them, but our commitment as therapists is to support a client in discovering and pursuing the outcomes that matter to them. so we spend a lot of time talking about what i looks like to create a relationship with a person, explore their life experiences and feelings with them, to create goals and ideas that guide how we work together with them...and yet not become too attached to the outcomes we personally desire for them. umm...yeah.
i don't disagree with this, but i do have to continually examine it very carefully and very often...especially as i start to move my concept of what i am learning here out of the laboratory and more fully into my messy messy life office at the center for people who want to show love for a living. (read: usually my car)
the past two years have been serious career development for me. i have had and continue to have so many training experiences that push and challenge and stretch my understanding of what it means to love, how many ways that can look, what it takes from me, what it takes from God...i could write a thesis...or a business plan...hmmm....
this hit me this morning and it puts so much of what has been going on for me into new perspectives...i know i've been all over the place so try to stay with me here...
faith is believing in the infinity of possibility...without having to get into specifics..if i have faith...i just have it...no matter what set of details you give me faith always has the same answer...YES, ITS POSSIBLE.
hope is a different story...if i have hope...its hope in something happening (or not happening)...its being attached to an outcome for sure...but if hope comes from a holy place then so does the outcome, right? this is important because this means hope is a relational activity...its hard to think of too many things we could hope for that wouldn't affect other people in some way...so living a life of faith and a life of hope are two different stories...and that is all before you get to...
LOVE if faith is believing something is possible and hope is having faith that something that is possible will actually happen to you or someone else or someplace or whatever...then love is living in such a way that you support or encourage that thing to happen...doing and saying things that make it more possible and NOT doing or saying the things that make it less possible...love isn't just relational...its aggressive! it isn't just attached to an outcome...its following at high speeds in a fast car, its studying the blueprints and coming through the airducts, its finding the shortcut and coming out in front, its crouching in the bushes, tracking through the jungle, lying in wait for as long as it takes...its pursuing that outcome to the ends of the earth..and beyond.
okay...and then there is that whole thing about faith hope and love being really important...but the greatest of these being love...
whew...all this and no 401k?
(ok this is the part where i could take the time to make it clear that i don't think that loving people or places or things means you get to decide what is best for them (or stalk them in dark alleys)...in fact that couldn't be more opposite of what i am trying to say here...but i am going to trust that anyone who even knows to read this knows a few things about me...
a. that these are slightly manic thoughts presented in my somewhat melodramatic writing style so that they are out of my head and can be properly played with, talked about, analyzed and danced with until they feel right...
2. i would clear anything i believe or hope for anyone with my Boss before loving it onto them...and i am currently being trained in all kinds of methods for loving people that are not invasive, painful, or even immediately noticable to the naked eye. so don't go checking your airducts, your privacy and free will are safe with me.
and d. this is just the start of a much longer conversation that i would love to have with all of you, or both of you...or just you. hey mama.)
so here i come out of what may seem like nowhere to the world wide web but has felt more like out of everywhere to me to say whats on my heart...more like what is being chiseled into my heart with the sharp instrument of life and the hand of a big god super serious about his love thing...
i have been in graduate school for two years now learning about dance movement therapy. before coming here i had already declared Love as my chosen profession but they didn't offer a masters in Love so i settled for something really close...dancing :)(actually i do have textbooks with titles like 'a general theory on love'...i LOVE my school)
but i digress...
the point is, while i have been here in a circle of people who are dynamic, embodied, self aware, radical, and all other kinds of amazing, and we are in a program that is just as amazing in how it engages us in the process and keeps our learning immersed in the truths of life outside the classroom, we have still invested a significant chunk of time in the classroom.
it has been challenging and nurturing, informative and question provoking...and it has taken me and many of those around me into a very heady place where sometimes we begin to see everything through the hypothetical and theoretical lenses we use to view the learning materials. i had a great talk with another amazing georgian (who i am actually acquainted with!) last night about the ways that disecting and examining any subject, particularly one involving humans, can lead to a very constricting pragmatism if we aren't careful that doesn't leave space for the way Truth and Life can and do contradict pattern and logic and expected...all. the. time.
maybe in our hearts we are still claiming hope for what is possible, but with our mouths we begin to expound on evidence and awareness of what is common, or likely, or expected...to be sure that we make it clear we understand and we KNOW what it is we are facing. but as we name the worst case scenario, or even the status quo, more and more...and we name our wildest hopes less all we are really doing is naming our fears and keeping our faiths silent...so we don't look foolish. or ignorant. or ridiculous.
or maybe so we don't lay claim to a miracle that is too big for God to come through on..oh wait...i didn't think those existed...
in our work we talk a lot about being "attached to outcome" and how that affects the work we do with clients. as the therapist our role is to create space for a client to find their own healing, to facilitate the process, to emotionally hold and support them as they find the truths for themselves. it is not our job, nor our right, to change or "fix" another human being or their problems and this is where outcome comes in. we are taught that we must be very aware of the outcomes we are attached to for our clients, as humans we will certainly have them, but our commitment as therapists is to support a client in discovering and pursuing the outcomes that matter to them. so we spend a lot of time talking about what i looks like to create a relationship with a person, explore their life experiences and feelings with them, to create goals and ideas that guide how we work together with them...and yet not become too attached to the outcomes we personally desire for them. umm...yeah.
i don't disagree with this, but i do have to continually examine it very carefully and very often...especially as i start to move my concept of what i am learning here out of the laboratory and more fully into my messy messy life office at the center for people who want to show love for a living. (read: usually my car)
the past two years have been serious career development for me. i have had and continue to have so many training experiences that push and challenge and stretch my understanding of what it means to love, how many ways that can look, what it takes from me, what it takes from God...i could write a thesis...or a business plan...hmmm....
this hit me this morning and it puts so much of what has been going on for me into new perspectives...i know i've been all over the place so try to stay with me here...
faith is believing in the infinity of possibility...without having to get into specifics..if i have faith...i just have it...no matter what set of details you give me faith always has the same answer...YES, ITS POSSIBLE.
hope is a different story...if i have hope...its hope in something happening (or not happening)...its being attached to an outcome for sure...but if hope comes from a holy place then so does the outcome, right? this is important because this means hope is a relational activity...its hard to think of too many things we could hope for that wouldn't affect other people in some way...so living a life of faith and a life of hope are two different stories...and that is all before you get to...
LOVE if faith is believing something is possible and hope is having faith that something that is possible will actually happen to you or someone else or someplace or whatever...then love is living in such a way that you support or encourage that thing to happen...doing and saying things that make it more possible and NOT doing or saying the things that make it less possible...love isn't just relational...its aggressive! it isn't just attached to an outcome...its following at high speeds in a fast car, its studying the blueprints and coming through the airducts, its finding the shortcut and coming out in front, its crouching in the bushes, tracking through the jungle, lying in wait for as long as it takes...its pursuing that outcome to the ends of the earth..and beyond.
okay...and then there is that whole thing about faith hope and love being really important...but the greatest of these being love...
whew...all this and no 401k?
(ok this is the part where i could take the time to make it clear that i don't think that loving people or places or things means you get to decide what is best for them (or stalk them in dark alleys)...in fact that couldn't be more opposite of what i am trying to say here...but i am going to trust that anyone who even knows to read this knows a few things about me...
a. that these are slightly manic thoughts presented in my somewhat melodramatic writing style so that they are out of my head and can be properly played with, talked about, analyzed and danced with until they feel right...
2. i would clear anything i believe or hope for anyone with my Boss before loving it onto them...and i am currently being trained in all kinds of methods for loving people that are not invasive, painful, or even immediately noticable to the naked eye. so don't go checking your airducts, your privacy and free will are safe with me.
and d. this is just the start of a much longer conversation that i would love to have with all of you, or both of you...or just you. hey mama.)
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