i was always different. i used to fight that and try to fit in...oh how cliche to even say...but i didn't and i secretly didn't really want to so i was never very good at it. so over time, and through some really beautiful friendships, i have seen the inside me and the outside me look more and more like the same lady. it has been nice...someone said that my inner hippie has finally emerged...maybe so.
but i think that doesn't say it all. and i am discovering how important that is...because i had this idea that truly being myself would make things so much more simple.
and sometimes it does.
but sometimes it doesn't.
making peace with that reality...even more so...understanding the VALUE of that reality...is kind of hard....
i have this delusion that i am so simple. and i like the idea. but the truth is i am not...
but i am discovering that might be okay...that might be a good thing. it is like the difference in juice and wine. i like juice. juice is simple, and healthy, and lovely. but this summer i became sure that after a lifetime of never being interested in alcoholic beverages that i should start drinking wine. at least try it. i had some theories as to why but i don't think they were the whole story. after drinking some wine (with and without mountain dew mama kati) this is what i have discovered...
wine it isn't as easy to drink but its flavor is much richer
wine has a totally different and more immediately noticeable effect on the body
wine usually takes longer to produce
wine almost has layers of taste to it
wine isn't for everyone
wine can't go back to being juice
wine can satisfy in smaller amounts
wine costs more
i could go on but, in essence, wine is complicated. but its complexities are what make it so sought after. you can imagine where i have taken the above in the metaphor...but basically...becoming juice is a roughly automatic effect of being the liquid in a fruit...becoming wine, especially good wine, is an art.
there is of course a place for both at the table, the juice and the wine...the simple and the complex. one is not more needed than the other...nor should one replace the other...and that is the beauty of it. the moments when we find ourselves refreshingly simple are as valuable, but not necessarily more so, than the moments that we are at our most intricate.
life can be simple even if i am complicated...
and maybe i have been juice long enough...i am not going sour...i am becoming wine...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
so i walked into the woods today...
and pondered this idea (not an original idea exactly)....
what if the time we spend waiting on answers from god are not just his way of forcing us to exercise faith but him TRUSTING us with his SILENCE .... his faith in us to NOT HEAR and still believe...we say that a great indicator of a healthy and intimate relationship is the ability to sit in silence with one another...what if his silence is not just him challenging me and inviting me to something more but HONORING me with something more...
what if the time we spend waiting on answers from god are not just his way of forcing us to exercise faith but him TRUSTING us with his SILENCE .... his faith in us to NOT HEAR and still believe...we say that a great indicator of a healthy and intimate relationship is the ability to sit in silence with one another...what if his silence is not just him challenging me and inviting me to something more but HONORING me with something more...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
a little homework help for my sister...your turn ll
this is a little old but i am putting it up to remind my sister she has heart homework...and i think i needed some reminding of things too...so yeah...these are some things i became aware of during a time when i had let myself start believing i wasn't worth the trouble...everyone is worth the trouble...but i have this amazing ability to firmly believe that about everyone and yet completely refuse to believe it about me(see line 15)...i might not be the only one with this mysterious gift...if you need a heart homework assignment just let me know...
i have realized that for someone to let me into their universe demands a lot of a person....
it means getting used to unwashed hair
it requires a certain amount of faith in your seatbelt
it is the purse...and all that includes
it is letting me call my self drama free while being a complicated mess that makes life way too hard sometimes
it involves u-turns
it means pajamas are not for sleeping...they are for final exams, the grocery store and saturday mornings at waffle house
lip reading certainly helps
it means getting places late or being the ones to come early to set up and stay late to clean up...and then probably give someone a ride home
it means no more fast food chains
it is being able to take me to lunch in the skirt i wore yesterday...and slept in last night...on someone's porch
it is letting me baby you...or be mean mama....
it is forcing me to let you baby me...or be mean mama when i need it..and i really do
it involves a lot of pee breaks
there are a lot of food rules....hot and cold!
it demands a tolerance for the occasional seemingly unnecessary tears and accompanying self-esteem induced hyprocisy
it does not involve hand sanitizer
the endless casey stories!
for these things and many more i would like to take full responsibility for how they make knowing me a little extra work
but knowing me also demands some other things...
it is laughing alot...even if it is just AT me
its learning all kinds of things that i am totally willing to look up on the internet for you
it involves hearing the truth for all the right reasons
it means the long prayer can still be the quick prayer
there will be dancing
its the purse...and all that includes
it is hearing constant evidence of how big God is and how much he loves us
it makes you think
it approves a pretty automatic adoption into an crazily amazing couple of families
it means letting yourself be seen as valuable and powerful
it is full of surprises
it is void of wal-mart
it always involves great food....and snacks
it is getting confronted with the greatest and most dangerous parts of who you might be
appreciation for "good ice" is precious wisdom
it means getting prayed for...right in the middle of a conversation...sometimes with my eyes open
it definitely includes beach time
it means freedom
it asks you to create space in your life for something revolutionary
it is fun...most of the time anyway
it is to be loved really really hard...and all that really being loved requires
...and i accept responsibility for that too
so, yeah, i am demanding...and i have decided that i think that is okay
i have realized that for someone to let me into their universe demands a lot of a person....
it means getting used to unwashed hair
it requires a certain amount of faith in your seatbelt
it is the purse...and all that includes
it is letting me call my self drama free while being a complicated mess that makes life way too hard sometimes
it involves u-turns
it means pajamas are not for sleeping...they are for final exams, the grocery store and saturday mornings at waffle house
lip reading certainly helps
it means getting places late or being the ones to come early to set up and stay late to clean up...and then probably give someone a ride home
it means no more fast food chains
it is being able to take me to lunch in the skirt i wore yesterday...and slept in last night...on someone's porch
it is letting me baby you...or be mean mama....
it is forcing me to let you baby me...or be mean mama when i need it..and i really do
it involves a lot of pee breaks
there are a lot of food rules....hot and cold!
it demands a tolerance for the occasional seemingly unnecessary tears and accompanying self-esteem induced hyprocisy
it does not involve hand sanitizer
the endless casey stories!
for these things and many more i would like to take full responsibility for how they make knowing me a little extra work
but knowing me also demands some other things...
it is laughing alot...even if it is just AT me
its learning all kinds of things that i am totally willing to look up on the internet for you
it involves hearing the truth for all the right reasons
it means the long prayer can still be the quick prayer
there will be dancing
its the purse...and all that includes
it is hearing constant evidence of how big God is and how much he loves us
it makes you think
it approves a pretty automatic adoption into an crazily amazing couple of families
it means letting yourself be seen as valuable and powerful
it is full of surprises
it is void of wal-mart
it always involves great food....and snacks
it is getting confronted with the greatest and most dangerous parts of who you might be
appreciation for "good ice" is precious wisdom
it means getting prayed for...right in the middle of a conversation...sometimes with my eyes open
it definitely includes beach time
it means freedom
it asks you to create space in your life for something revolutionary
it is fun...most of the time anyway
it is to be loved really really hard...and all that really being loved requires
...and i accept responsibility for that too
so, yeah, i am demanding...and i have decided that i think that is okay
man am i ever bad at this....
after realizing that i have been a car accident, gone to haiti, come back from haiti without my junebug since i last wrote here...and that doesn't even begin to cover any of the in between amazing storieness....i am becoming aware that i am thinking about this blog thing all wrong...i am never going to be good at doing it this way...but the only reason i started this was because i felt like i was really supposed to and that it would be good for me...and it is when i do it...so from now on it might not be in order, might not make sense, might leave really huge things out...but because sometimes someone needs to read my may 27th...and then sometimes i need to find that out and read my may 27th again too...i am really going to tell my caseystories...thanks jennifer
general recap:
no car
no job
no idea how it is going to work out but the thing is i KNOW it will...stay tuned!!
right now i am in a place where you type a lot of things and then delete them...it makes me think about all the things i have typed and then deleted...thought but never said...written but never mailed....it would be interesting if all that stuff was in some re-cycle bin on a mental desktop somewhere...or maybe not....
the other night i had dinner with some new friends here after class and it went something like this.... real homeade korean noodles, chinese rice, indian soup... all covered with processed parmesean cheese...a little wine...lots of laughing...a full belly and a heart(that was running on empty) a little fuller too...moments like these remind me why i love the way that i live my life...even when i am not doing such a good job of living it that way...thank you to the ladies, gentleman, and friends of 21 page street...
i feel like i should say something about this last trip to haiti but there is so much that i never do...that is always how haiti is for me....i had so much peace about coming back (which was pretty remarkable considering i left even more behind than normal)...but now that i am back it is much harder to see things here the right way...and i miss my ti zwazo so much.
okay...my baby...i will just go there...i can't even say the word baby without thinking of her...everything...EVERYTHING...makes me think of her..even more than before because now it is really real. she is really gone. and she really died without me holding her again, holding her knowing it would be the last time. the last time i saw her she was crawling after me and reaching for me and i just had to walk away, get in the car and leave her. nothing has ever felt so wrong in my whole life and it still feels wrong...it still does awful things to my stomach and my heart to even remember it. i am starting to think it isn't ever going to feel better. and i don't really want it to. but i have reached that point where it feels like the world is ready for me to move on and be okay. so i feel ridiculous being so wrecked by the loss of a child i knew was going to die and that i only knew a matter of months... but she was my baby...i don't know why but i felt it before i ever even saw her...before i even knew her name...i loved her before i even thought about it. but then i left her...and i can't go back.
i don't think i have been able to trust a single thing i have done since.
wow...i didn't know that was in there but it suddenly makes the last 3 months of my life make a lot more sense...i think this is all i can handle for now...
general recap:
no car
no job
no idea how it is going to work out but the thing is i KNOW it will...stay tuned!!
right now i am in a place where you type a lot of things and then delete them...it makes me think about all the things i have typed and then deleted...thought but never said...written but never mailed....it would be interesting if all that stuff was in some re-cycle bin on a mental desktop somewhere...or maybe not....
the other night i had dinner with some new friends here after class and it went something like this.... real homeade korean noodles, chinese rice, indian soup... all covered with processed parmesean cheese...a little wine...lots of laughing...a full belly and a heart(that was running on empty) a little fuller too...moments like these remind me why i love the way that i live my life...even when i am not doing such a good job of living it that way...thank you to the ladies, gentleman, and friends of 21 page street...
i feel like i should say something about this last trip to haiti but there is so much that i never do...that is always how haiti is for me....i had so much peace about coming back (which was pretty remarkable considering i left even more behind than normal)...but now that i am back it is much harder to see things here the right way...and i miss my ti zwazo so much.
okay...my baby...i will just go there...i can't even say the word baby without thinking of her...everything...EVERYTHING...makes me think of her..even more than before because now it is really real. she is really gone. and she really died without me holding her again, holding her knowing it would be the last time. the last time i saw her she was crawling after me and reaching for me and i just had to walk away, get in the car and leave her. nothing has ever felt so wrong in my whole life and it still feels wrong...it still does awful things to my stomach and my heart to even remember it. i am starting to think it isn't ever going to feel better. and i don't really want it to. but i have reached that point where it feels like the world is ready for me to move on and be okay. so i feel ridiculous being so wrecked by the loss of a child i knew was going to die and that i only knew a matter of months... but she was my baby...i don't know why but i felt it before i ever even saw her...before i even knew her name...i loved her before i even thought about it. but then i left her...and i can't go back.
i don't think i have been able to trust a single thing i have done since.
wow...i didn't know that was in there but it suddenly makes the last 3 months of my life make a lot more sense...i think this is all i can handle for now...
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