man am i ever bad at this....

after realizing that i have been a car accident, gone to haiti, come back from haiti without my junebug since i last wrote here...and that doesn't even begin to cover any of the in between amazing storieness....i am becoming aware that i am thinking about this blog thing all wrong...i am never going to be good at doing it this way...but the only reason i started this was because i felt like i was really supposed to and that it would be good for me...and it is when i do it...so from now on it might not be in order, might not make sense, might leave really huge things out...but because sometimes someone needs to read my may 27th...and then sometimes i need to find that out and read my may 27th again too...i am really going to tell my caseystories...thanks jennifer

general recap:
no car
no job
no idea how it is going to work out but the thing is i KNOW it will...stay tuned!!


right now i am in a place where you type a lot of things and then delete them...it makes me think about all the things i have typed and then deleted...thought but never said...written but never mailed....it would be interesting if all that stuff was in some re-cycle bin on a mental desktop somewhere...or maybe not....


the other night i had dinner with some new friends here after class and it went something like this.... real homeade korean noodles, chinese rice, indian soup... all covered with processed parmesean cheese...a little wine...lots of laughing...a full belly and a heart(that was running on empty) a little fuller too...moments like these remind me why i love the way that i live my life...even when i am not doing such a good job of living it that way...thank you to the ladies, gentleman, and friends of 21 page street...

i feel like i should say something about this last trip to haiti but there is so much that i never do...that is always how haiti is for me....i had so much peace about coming back (which was pretty remarkable considering i left even more behind than normal)...but now that i am back it is much harder to see things here the right way...and i miss my ti zwazo so much.

okay...my baby...i will just go there...i can't even say the word baby without thinking of her...everything...EVERYTHING...makes me think of her..even more than before because now it is really real. she is really gone. and she really died without me holding her again, holding her knowing it would be the last time. the last time i saw her she was crawling after me and reaching for me and i just had to walk away, get in the car and leave her. nothing has ever felt so wrong in my whole life and it still feels wrong...it still does awful things to my stomach and my heart to even remember it. i am starting to think it isn't ever going to feel better. and i don't really want it to. but i have reached that point where it feels like the world is ready for me to move on and be okay. so i feel ridiculous being so wrecked by the loss of a child i knew was going to die and that i only knew a matter of months... but she was my baby...i don't know why but i felt it before i ever even saw her...before i even knew her name...i loved her before i even thought about it. but then i left her...and i can't go back.
i don't think i have been able to trust a single thing i have done since.
wow...i didn't know that was in there but it suddenly makes the last 3 months of my life make a lot more sense...i think this is all i can handle for now...