i will no more trade the complexity of who i am for a false peace

i was always different. i used to fight that and try to fit in...oh how cliche to even say...but i didn't and i secretly didn't really want to so i was never very good at it. so over time, and through some really beautiful friendships, i have seen the inside me and the outside me look more and more like the same lady. it has been nice...someone said that my inner hippie has finally emerged...maybe so.
but i think that doesn't say it all. and i am discovering how important that is...because i had this idea that truly being myself would make things so much more simple.
and sometimes it does.
but sometimes it doesn't.
making peace with that reality...even more so...understanding the VALUE of that reality...is kind of hard....
i have this delusion that i am so simple. and i like the idea. but the truth is i am not...
but i am discovering that might be okay...that might be a good thing. it is like the difference in juice and wine. i like juice. juice is simple, and healthy, and lovely. but this summer i became sure that after a lifetime of never being interested in alcoholic beverages that i should start drinking wine. at least try it. i had some theories as to why but i don't think they were the whole story. after drinking some wine (with and without mountain dew mama kati) this is what i have discovered...

wine it isn't as easy to drink but its flavor is much richer
wine has a totally different and more immediately noticeable effect on the body
wine usually takes longer to produce
wine almost has layers of taste to it
wine isn't for everyone
wine can't go back to being juice
wine can satisfy in smaller amounts
wine costs more

i could go on but, in essence, wine is complicated. but its complexities are what make it so sought after. you can imagine where i have taken the above in the metaphor...but basically...becoming juice is a roughly automatic effect of being the liquid in a fruit...becoming wine, especially good wine, is an art.
there is of course a place for both at the table, the juice and the wine...the simple and the complex. one is not more needed than the other...nor should one replace the other...and that is the beauty of it. the moments when we find ourselves refreshingly simple are as valuable, but not necessarily more so, than the moments that we are at our most intricate.
life can be simple even if i am complicated...
and maybe i have been juice long enough...i am not going sour...i am becoming wine...