Thursday, December 31, 2009
random firing of neurons...
so i dreamed that my rosetaina was not only alive but so heavy i couldn't pick her up...she was in the hospital as was her daddy played here by snoop dogg (wearing a teameffort service with a smile workshirt) both being treated my jonathan...who was also directing the latest music video of the air instrument bob marley cover band that kervens, peterson, franz and i formed on my first trip to haiti...the video had a free walking theme and the buttons on the camera he used to film the video were also used to manage the care of the patients in the hospital....and then my daddy kept getting in trouble with my mother for catering to the organic food requests of the hospital director who was a red headed murphy brown or chelsea lately...it seemed to change...and that is just the beginning...i really hope i get into psychoanalysis of dreams next semester :)
Friday, December 4, 2009
the bottom of the barrel
so i am still a little hit or miss working with stainless steel cookware - i was raised on cast iron and non-stick oddly enough - and last night i was scrubbing all the seasoning and yumminess that should have been on the chicken i cooked off the bottom of a skillet when i had a flashback to my first day in the feeding program at jubilee. i was with a team of wonderful southern women and we had made our way into the village with 5 gallon buckets of rice and bean sauce, and huge kivet filled with an assortment of plates bowls and spoons. there is a unique math to feeding programs, divide however much food you have as many ways as you want and it will always equal less than the number of mouths at the door. as such, we feed the youngest, the sickest, the ones with the orangest hair first. with the exception of a few, most of the kids do a pretty good job of putting themselves in this order, big brothers feeding younger siblings first or giving their food away to a sicker child all together. anyway, on this day, i was crowd control while the other women served the plates. even after careful counting we still came up several plates short. i had already told these children to come in, that we had food for them! so in desperation i went to the buckets wondering how we could have estimated so poorly. what i found there was oh. so. profound.
the scorched rice.
it had never occurred to these wonderful southern women, even in a dirty shed of a room filled with naked children sitting on the ground eating off dirty plates with their hands, to serve overcooked rice...and i don't mean this to disparage these ladies at all, of course to them what an insult that would be to anyone at their table!
but it gets better...not only are we talking about children who will get one meal a day (hopefully) but in haiti, like in many cultures where they eat a lot of rice, the scorched rice at the bottom of the pot is like licking the bowl, like the middle brownie, the best cut of the meat, the swirl off the ice cream cone...whatever you are into...its the best part. of course the ladies had no way of knowing this, but its the rice haitian kids would fight over in their own homes.
lately i feel like i have been scraping the bottom of the bucket in a lot of areas of my life. this moment at the sink reminded me of the lesson i learned watching kids devour burnt rice. it may feel like i've barely got anything left, and like what i have managed to scrape up is too ruined or embarrassing to offer. but beyond it being better than nothing...it might be just what someone is hoping for.
the scorched rice.
it had never occurred to these wonderful southern women, even in a dirty shed of a room filled with naked children sitting on the ground eating off dirty plates with their hands, to serve overcooked rice...and i don't mean this to disparage these ladies at all, of course to them what an insult that would be to anyone at their table!
but it gets better...not only are we talking about children who will get one meal a day (hopefully) but in haiti, like in many cultures where they eat a lot of rice, the scorched rice at the bottom of the pot is like licking the bowl, like the middle brownie, the best cut of the meat, the swirl off the ice cream cone...whatever you are into...its the best part. of course the ladies had no way of knowing this, but its the rice haitian kids would fight over in their own homes.
lately i feel like i have been scraping the bottom of the bucket in a lot of areas of my life. this moment at the sink reminded me of the lesson i learned watching kids devour burnt rice. it may feel like i've barely got anything left, and like what i have managed to scrape up is too ruined or embarrassing to offer. but beyond it being better than nothing...it might be just what someone is hoping for.
crawling is hard
last spring i met a girl who should have been learning to run. instead she could barely sit herself up, gravity dragging her slight frame towards the earth...her bones bearing the weight of an unknowable amount of pain. she wanted to be held all the time...and to leave her in a crib was an unbearably pitiful undertaking. but we knew to cradle her constantly would aid the weakness in her who would welcome the death that hovered around her...so we urged her ever so gently to move, to reach, to crawl...the first time i actually forced myself to walk away from the tiny pleadings that would have come forth as wailing from a different mouth...something extraordinary happened. i was called in to see what my baby "had done". i expected a mess by a healthier toddler in the house but instead i found my new little love making her way up the three stairs into the hall that lead to my room...she had crawled almost 50 feet already.
and do you know what i did?
i clapped, and went for my camera, and danced and celebrated.
but she didn't want pictures or applause, she wanted me to pick her up.
she had made all this effort to beg for what she needed and i stood there and clapped and snapped digital pictures. what a fool i was. how rejected and humiliated she must have felt in those precious moments that i took to honor the moment for myself or at least in MY way instead of for her only. i will never forget what it felt like to pick her up and sit holding her on those stairs. i will never look at that photo without some bittersweetness that it exists. i will also never forget what it felt like later to get on the floor and crawl every day so that she would crawl with me.
let me just say there is a reason we learn how to walk.
crawling is hard.
not just that, it is limiting. it keeps us low and vulnerable. exposed and defenseless. it is awkward and humbling. crawling is hard. it is all these things that motivate us to conquer the precarious idea of balancing on two legs and moving freely about the planet. walking may be scary but it is a change of pace and persective that crawling teaches us to value immensely.
during an exercise in authentic movement for class i found myself on the floor crawling. i haven't done that since before rosetaina died in july. the flood of tears and ache that always seem to be poised like a wave about to crash do just that, pressing my face to the wooden floor. it was here that i first imagined what it would feel like if someone had chosen to mark this moment with a picture instead of an embrace. it was here i finally embraced not just the diligence but the humility and desperation of her efforts that day.
and here that i embraced that of my own efforts of late.
i have let life knock me down and i can't seem to get back up. all i can really do is crawl.
and crawling is hard.
and do you know what i did?
i clapped, and went for my camera, and danced and celebrated.
but she didn't want pictures or applause, she wanted me to pick her up.
she had made all this effort to beg for what she needed and i stood there and clapped and snapped digital pictures. what a fool i was. how rejected and humiliated she must have felt in those precious moments that i took to honor the moment for myself or at least in MY way instead of for her only. i will never forget what it felt like to pick her up and sit holding her on those stairs. i will never look at that photo without some bittersweetness that it exists. i will also never forget what it felt like later to get on the floor and crawl every day so that she would crawl with me.
let me just say there is a reason we learn how to walk.
crawling is hard.
not just that, it is limiting. it keeps us low and vulnerable. exposed and defenseless. it is awkward and humbling. crawling is hard. it is all these things that motivate us to conquer the precarious idea of balancing on two legs and moving freely about the planet. walking may be scary but it is a change of pace and persective that crawling teaches us to value immensely.
during an exercise in authentic movement for class i found myself on the floor crawling. i haven't done that since before rosetaina died in july. the flood of tears and ache that always seem to be poised like a wave about to crash do just that, pressing my face to the wooden floor. it was here that i first imagined what it would feel like if someone had chosen to mark this moment with a picture instead of an embrace. it was here i finally embraced not just the diligence but the humility and desperation of her efforts that day.
and here that i embraced that of my own efforts of late.
i have let life knock me down and i can't seem to get back up. all i can really do is crawl.
and crawling is hard.
Monday, November 30, 2009
sand and stars and parachutes
everyone should get the chance to run down the beach at midnight with cold sand between their toes and a sea of stars above them swallowing up the sound of the waves floating a huge parachute behind them on the wind like a cape...like a train...like wings. its magical.
p.s. hiding under the parachute and fooling passersby into thinking you are a big rock is pretty fun too.
p.s. hiding under the parachute and fooling passersby into thinking you are a big rock is pretty fun too.
Monday, November 16, 2009
keeping up
so i live on the side of a small mountain/large hill....i don't know...its made of rock and you can't drive over it...being from ga i don't really have the skill to classify such things well yet...anyway...at some point when luke (my giant moose of a dog) and i are walking the trails in the woods he always gets really far ahead of me and i lose sight of him...once i start to turn around and head back i always whistle and call for him and try to get him to come "get with the program" ....and every single time as i walk back wondering when he is going to catch up he inevitably pops up in front of me somehow...he has been following alongside me the whole time, just off the trail where i wasn't aware of him...but when i call for him he always comes, even if it means he has to backtrack...and even though HE was not the one who was "off track"...and he will stay right with me until he senses that i am not really concerned anymore and then he will head back to traveling his way...hoping i will follow for the adventure but if i just stick to the trail he keeps up with me in his own way until i am looking for him again....
tell me there isn't a sermon in that.
tell me there isn't a sermon in that.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
so i took a diving lesson
for those of you who don't know (and therefore must be quite confused as to why i haven't been around...which makes me wonder why you haven't called...:) i am not just back in the art studio drywalling something...i am in graduate school studying dance/movement therapy. well this is what happened last week in class...
we were studying a pioneer of the field who used a lot of imagery and so we were doing an exercise where we would move as different types of water to see what kind of feelings that produced and then we went a step further to explore moving as and with water in connection with how we feel about our situations right now, particularly in relation to being in school, etc....well for those that i am here you know i made the decision pretty quickly and i came up here with some grandmommie's car, some summer clothes and flip flops, a big yellow dog, and faith that if i showed up god would to and work out all those minor details...like where to live and how to pay for all this...oh, and i had a machete too...
since then there have been some setbacks that left me wavering a little in my confidence that i did in fact belong here, that i did need to follow my dreams even if it cost more than i felt like i was worth at the moment...
so back to the water...i immediately felt the need to not be the water in my movement but to dive into the water...then i laid on the floor and let my self sink to the bottom...after a while of imagining myself completely immersed i had the sensation of slowly rising to the top...so slowing that i was almost unaware of it until i realized that i felt like i was floating on top...i even did a few backstrokes!
the next step was to get into groups and talk about our experience from our own perspectives and then to explore it from a D/MT perspective and what we might do with it if a client had shared these movement experiences with us...
i immediately related my desire to dive with the fact that i have recently realized that i have to really press into and commit to this experience in some ways that i have not yet if it is going to be useful at all...i can't waver in my owning not only of its value but of my freedom and ability and desire to see it through. there was a reason i came here...a really good one...and if i have big dreams then i have to make big investments to see them realized....so on and so forth...
what i didn't realize until we were discussing it is that i have never physically dived..dove..doven..whatever into anything before - i never learned how.
so when my teacher asked what i might do with that therapeutically i said...i should learn how to dive!
and then i actually did.
it just so happened that i would be visiting someone who teaches kids how to swim...so i commissioned her help in my little breakthrough...
we started with the kiddie dive squatting at the edge and i learned the basic rules of keeping your arms over your ears and knees bent...before the day was over i graduated to a standing dive and for a big finish (with some coaxing/peer pressure from two wicked cool redheaded boys, a muffy, and my "swim coach") i went twice off the block! it was a small thing...and it was amazing.
i felt totally exposed and awkward standing there, i was scared, i felt a potential for FAILING that i have never felt about jumping into a pool or anything else. but actively taking my feet off the board, going into the water head and hands first, coming through the water and out so DELIBERATELY...yeah, it was extremely hard for me. and it felt really really good.
enter the metaphoric learning that resulted...
i can jump into anything and i am even pretty good at it...and also at the leap of faith kind of stuff...and i do think that is super important to be able to do...but when we jump our head and arms are at the back end of it...and with them our awareness and deliberateness in a way...and even if we land hard we still land with our feet (and maybe our bum)...diving is a whole different thing...it has a direction and intention that is totally different...and it makes us WAY more vulnerable. we really have to mean it.
i think this season of my life...and most of the ones to come after that are going to require a lot of diving.
i want to get really good at diving.
thanks brittany.
we were studying a pioneer of the field who used a lot of imagery and so we were doing an exercise where we would move as different types of water to see what kind of feelings that produced and then we went a step further to explore moving as and with water in connection with how we feel about our situations right now, particularly in relation to being in school, etc....well for those that i am here you know i made the decision pretty quickly and i came up here with some grandmommie's car, some summer clothes and flip flops, a big yellow dog, and faith that if i showed up god would to and work out all those minor details...like where to live and how to pay for all this...oh, and i had a machete too...
since then there have been some setbacks that left me wavering a little in my confidence that i did in fact belong here, that i did need to follow my dreams even if it cost more than i felt like i was worth at the moment...
so back to the water...i immediately felt the need to not be the water in my movement but to dive into the water...then i laid on the floor and let my self sink to the bottom...after a while of imagining myself completely immersed i had the sensation of slowly rising to the top...so slowing that i was almost unaware of it until i realized that i felt like i was floating on top...i even did a few backstrokes!
the next step was to get into groups and talk about our experience from our own perspectives and then to explore it from a D/MT perspective and what we might do with it if a client had shared these movement experiences with us...
i immediately related my desire to dive with the fact that i have recently realized that i have to really press into and commit to this experience in some ways that i have not yet if it is going to be useful at all...i can't waver in my owning not only of its value but of my freedom and ability and desire to see it through. there was a reason i came here...a really good one...and if i have big dreams then i have to make big investments to see them realized....so on and so forth...
what i didn't realize until we were discussing it is that i have never physically dived..dove..doven..whatever into anything before - i never learned how.
so when my teacher asked what i might do with that therapeutically i said...i should learn how to dive!
and then i actually did.
it just so happened that i would be visiting someone who teaches kids how to swim...so i commissioned her help in my little breakthrough...
we started with the kiddie dive squatting at the edge and i learned the basic rules of keeping your arms over your ears and knees bent...before the day was over i graduated to a standing dive and for a big finish (with some coaxing/peer pressure from two wicked cool redheaded boys, a muffy, and my "swim coach") i went twice off the block! it was a small thing...and it was amazing.
i felt totally exposed and awkward standing there, i was scared, i felt a potential for FAILING that i have never felt about jumping into a pool or anything else. but actively taking my feet off the board, going into the water head and hands first, coming through the water and out so DELIBERATELY...yeah, it was extremely hard for me. and it felt really really good.
enter the metaphoric learning that resulted...
i can jump into anything and i am even pretty good at it...and also at the leap of faith kind of stuff...and i do think that is super important to be able to do...but when we jump our head and arms are at the back end of it...and with them our awareness and deliberateness in a way...and even if we land hard we still land with our feet (and maybe our bum)...diving is a whole different thing...it has a direction and intention that is totally different...and it makes us WAY more vulnerable. we really have to mean it.
i think this season of my life...and most of the ones to come after that are going to require a lot of diving.
i want to get really good at diving.
thanks brittany.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
i will no more trade the complexity of who i am for a false peace
i was always different. i used to fight that and try to fit in...oh how cliche to even say...but i didn't and i secretly didn't really want to so i was never very good at it. so over time, and through some really beautiful friendships, i have seen the inside me and the outside me look more and more like the same lady. it has been nice...someone said that my inner hippie has finally emerged...maybe so.
but i think that doesn't say it all. and i am discovering how important that is...because i had this idea that truly being myself would make things so much more simple.
and sometimes it does.
but sometimes it doesn't.
making peace with that reality...even more so...understanding the VALUE of that reality...is kind of hard....
i have this delusion that i am so simple. and i like the idea. but the truth is i am not...
but i am discovering that might be okay...that might be a good thing. it is like the difference in juice and wine. i like juice. juice is simple, and healthy, and lovely. but this summer i became sure that after a lifetime of never being interested in alcoholic beverages that i should start drinking wine. at least try it. i had some theories as to why but i don't think they were the whole story. after drinking some wine (with and without mountain dew mama kati) this is what i have discovered...
wine it isn't as easy to drink but its flavor is much richer
wine has a totally different and more immediately noticeable effect on the body
wine usually takes longer to produce
wine almost has layers of taste to it
wine isn't for everyone
wine can't go back to being juice
wine can satisfy in smaller amounts
wine costs more
i could go on but, in essence, wine is complicated. but its complexities are what make it so sought after. you can imagine where i have taken the above in the metaphor...but basically...becoming juice is a roughly automatic effect of being the liquid in a fruit...becoming wine, especially good wine, is an art.
there is of course a place for both at the table, the juice and the wine...the simple and the complex. one is not more needed than the other...nor should one replace the other...and that is the beauty of it. the moments when we find ourselves refreshingly simple are as valuable, but not necessarily more so, than the moments that we are at our most intricate.
life can be simple even if i am complicated...
and maybe i have been juice long enough...i am not going sour...i am becoming wine...
but i think that doesn't say it all. and i am discovering how important that is...because i had this idea that truly being myself would make things so much more simple.
and sometimes it does.
but sometimes it doesn't.
making peace with that reality...even more so...understanding the VALUE of that reality...is kind of hard....
i have this delusion that i am so simple. and i like the idea. but the truth is i am not...
but i am discovering that might be okay...that might be a good thing. it is like the difference in juice and wine. i like juice. juice is simple, and healthy, and lovely. but this summer i became sure that after a lifetime of never being interested in alcoholic beverages that i should start drinking wine. at least try it. i had some theories as to why but i don't think they were the whole story. after drinking some wine (with and without mountain dew mama kati) this is what i have discovered...
wine it isn't as easy to drink but its flavor is much richer
wine has a totally different and more immediately noticeable effect on the body
wine usually takes longer to produce
wine almost has layers of taste to it
wine isn't for everyone
wine can't go back to being juice
wine can satisfy in smaller amounts
wine costs more
i could go on but, in essence, wine is complicated. but its complexities are what make it so sought after. you can imagine where i have taken the above in the metaphor...but basically...becoming juice is a roughly automatic effect of being the liquid in a fruit...becoming wine, especially good wine, is an art.
there is of course a place for both at the table, the juice and the wine...the simple and the complex. one is not more needed than the other...nor should one replace the other...and that is the beauty of it. the moments when we find ourselves refreshingly simple are as valuable, but not necessarily more so, than the moments that we are at our most intricate.
life can be simple even if i am complicated...
and maybe i have been juice long enough...i am not going sour...i am becoming wine...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
so i walked into the woods today...
and pondered this idea (not an original idea exactly)....
what if the time we spend waiting on answers from god are not just his way of forcing us to exercise faith but him TRUSTING us with his SILENCE .... his faith in us to NOT HEAR and still believe...we say that a great indicator of a healthy and intimate relationship is the ability to sit in silence with one another...what if his silence is not just him challenging me and inviting me to something more but HONORING me with something more...
what if the time we spend waiting on answers from god are not just his way of forcing us to exercise faith but him TRUSTING us with his SILENCE .... his faith in us to NOT HEAR and still believe...we say that a great indicator of a healthy and intimate relationship is the ability to sit in silence with one another...what if his silence is not just him challenging me and inviting me to something more but HONORING me with something more...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
a little homework help for my sister...your turn ll
this is a little old but i am putting it up to remind my sister she has heart homework...and i think i needed some reminding of things too...so yeah...these are some things i became aware of during a time when i had let myself start believing i wasn't worth the trouble...everyone is worth the trouble...but i have this amazing ability to firmly believe that about everyone and yet completely refuse to believe it about me(see line 15)...i might not be the only one with this mysterious gift...if you need a heart homework assignment just let me know...
i have realized that for someone to let me into their universe demands a lot of a person....
it means getting used to unwashed hair
it requires a certain amount of faith in your seatbelt
it is the purse...and all that includes
it is letting me call my self drama free while being a complicated mess that makes life way too hard sometimes
it involves u-turns
it means pajamas are not for sleeping...they are for final exams, the grocery store and saturday mornings at waffle house
lip reading certainly helps
it means getting places late or being the ones to come early to set up and stay late to clean up...and then probably give someone a ride home
it means no more fast food chains
it is being able to take me to lunch in the skirt i wore yesterday...and slept in last night...on someone's porch
it is letting me baby you...or be mean mama....
it is forcing me to let you baby me...or be mean mama when i need it..and i really do
it involves a lot of pee breaks
there are a lot of food rules....hot and cold!
it demands a tolerance for the occasional seemingly unnecessary tears and accompanying self-esteem induced hyprocisy
it does not involve hand sanitizer
the endless casey stories!
for these things and many more i would like to take full responsibility for how they make knowing me a little extra work
but knowing me also demands some other things...
it is laughing alot...even if it is just AT me
its learning all kinds of things that i am totally willing to look up on the internet for you
it involves hearing the truth for all the right reasons
it means the long prayer can still be the quick prayer
there will be dancing
its the purse...and all that includes
it is hearing constant evidence of how big God is and how much he loves us
it makes you think
it approves a pretty automatic adoption into an crazily amazing couple of families
it means letting yourself be seen as valuable and powerful
it is full of surprises
it is void of wal-mart
it always involves great food....and snacks
it is getting confronted with the greatest and most dangerous parts of who you might be
appreciation for "good ice" is precious wisdom
it means getting prayed for...right in the middle of a conversation...sometimes with my eyes open
it definitely includes beach time
it means freedom
it asks you to create space in your life for something revolutionary
it is fun...most of the time anyway
it is to be loved really really hard...and all that really being loved requires
...and i accept responsibility for that too
so, yeah, i am demanding...and i have decided that i think that is okay
i have realized that for someone to let me into their universe demands a lot of a person....
it means getting used to unwashed hair
it requires a certain amount of faith in your seatbelt
it is the purse...and all that includes
it is letting me call my self drama free while being a complicated mess that makes life way too hard sometimes
it involves u-turns
it means pajamas are not for sleeping...they are for final exams, the grocery store and saturday mornings at waffle house
lip reading certainly helps
it means getting places late or being the ones to come early to set up and stay late to clean up...and then probably give someone a ride home
it means no more fast food chains
it is being able to take me to lunch in the skirt i wore yesterday...and slept in last night...on someone's porch
it is letting me baby you...or be mean mama....
it is forcing me to let you baby me...or be mean mama when i need it..and i really do
it involves a lot of pee breaks
there are a lot of food rules....hot and cold!
it demands a tolerance for the occasional seemingly unnecessary tears and accompanying self-esteem induced hyprocisy
it does not involve hand sanitizer
the endless casey stories!
for these things and many more i would like to take full responsibility for how they make knowing me a little extra work
but knowing me also demands some other things...
it is laughing alot...even if it is just AT me
its learning all kinds of things that i am totally willing to look up on the internet for you
it involves hearing the truth for all the right reasons
it means the long prayer can still be the quick prayer
there will be dancing
its the purse...and all that includes
it is hearing constant evidence of how big God is and how much he loves us
it makes you think
it approves a pretty automatic adoption into an crazily amazing couple of families
it means letting yourself be seen as valuable and powerful
it is full of surprises
it is void of wal-mart
it always involves great food....and snacks
it is getting confronted with the greatest and most dangerous parts of who you might be
appreciation for "good ice" is precious wisdom
it means getting prayed for...right in the middle of a conversation...sometimes with my eyes open
it definitely includes beach time
it means freedom
it asks you to create space in your life for something revolutionary
it is fun...most of the time anyway
it is to be loved really really hard...and all that really being loved requires
...and i accept responsibility for that too
so, yeah, i am demanding...and i have decided that i think that is okay
man am i ever bad at this....
after realizing that i have been a car accident, gone to haiti, come back from haiti without my junebug since i last wrote here...and that doesn't even begin to cover any of the in between amazing storieness....i am becoming aware that i am thinking about this blog thing all wrong...i am never going to be good at doing it this way...but the only reason i started this was because i felt like i was really supposed to and that it would be good for me...and it is when i do it...so from now on it might not be in order, might not make sense, might leave really huge things out...but because sometimes someone needs to read my may 27th...and then sometimes i need to find that out and read my may 27th again too...i am really going to tell my caseystories...thanks jennifer
general recap:
no car
no job
no idea how it is going to work out but the thing is i KNOW it will...stay tuned!!
right now i am in a place where you type a lot of things and then delete them...it makes me think about all the things i have typed and then deleted...thought but never said...written but never mailed....it would be interesting if all that stuff was in some re-cycle bin on a mental desktop somewhere...or maybe not....
the other night i had dinner with some new friends here after class and it went something like this.... real homeade korean noodles, chinese rice, indian soup... all covered with processed parmesean cheese...a little wine...lots of laughing...a full belly and a heart(that was running on empty) a little fuller too...moments like these remind me why i love the way that i live my life...even when i am not doing such a good job of living it that way...thank you to the ladies, gentleman, and friends of 21 page street...
i feel like i should say something about this last trip to haiti but there is so much that i never do...that is always how haiti is for me....i had so much peace about coming back (which was pretty remarkable considering i left even more behind than normal)...but now that i am back it is much harder to see things here the right way...and i miss my ti zwazo so much.
okay...my baby...i will just go there...i can't even say the word baby without thinking of her...everything...EVERYTHING...makes me think of her..even more than before because now it is really real. she is really gone. and she really died without me holding her again, holding her knowing it would be the last time. the last time i saw her she was crawling after me and reaching for me and i just had to walk away, get in the car and leave her. nothing has ever felt so wrong in my whole life and it still feels wrong...it still does awful things to my stomach and my heart to even remember it. i am starting to think it isn't ever going to feel better. and i don't really want it to. but i have reached that point where it feels like the world is ready for me to move on and be okay. so i feel ridiculous being so wrecked by the loss of a child i knew was going to die and that i only knew a matter of months... but she was my baby...i don't know why but i felt it before i ever even saw her...before i even knew her name...i loved her before i even thought about it. but then i left her...and i can't go back.
i don't think i have been able to trust a single thing i have done since.
wow...i didn't know that was in there but it suddenly makes the last 3 months of my life make a lot more sense...i think this is all i can handle for now...
general recap:
no car
no job
no idea how it is going to work out but the thing is i KNOW it will...stay tuned!!
right now i am in a place where you type a lot of things and then delete them...it makes me think about all the things i have typed and then deleted...thought but never said...written but never mailed....it would be interesting if all that stuff was in some re-cycle bin on a mental desktop somewhere...or maybe not....
the other night i had dinner with some new friends here after class and it went something like this.... real homeade korean noodles, chinese rice, indian soup... all covered with processed parmesean cheese...a little wine...lots of laughing...a full belly and a heart(that was running on empty) a little fuller too...moments like these remind me why i love the way that i live my life...even when i am not doing such a good job of living it that way...thank you to the ladies, gentleman, and friends of 21 page street...
i feel like i should say something about this last trip to haiti but there is so much that i never do...that is always how haiti is for me....i had so much peace about coming back (which was pretty remarkable considering i left even more behind than normal)...but now that i am back it is much harder to see things here the right way...and i miss my ti zwazo so much.
okay...my baby...i will just go there...i can't even say the word baby without thinking of her...everything...EVERYTHING...makes me think of her..even more than before because now it is really real. she is really gone. and she really died without me holding her again, holding her knowing it would be the last time. the last time i saw her she was crawling after me and reaching for me and i just had to walk away, get in the car and leave her. nothing has ever felt so wrong in my whole life and it still feels wrong...it still does awful things to my stomach and my heart to even remember it. i am starting to think it isn't ever going to feel better. and i don't really want it to. but i have reached that point where it feels like the world is ready for me to move on and be okay. so i feel ridiculous being so wrecked by the loss of a child i knew was going to die and that i only knew a matter of months... but she was my baby...i don't know why but i felt it before i ever even saw her...before i even knew her name...i loved her before i even thought about it. but then i left her...and i can't go back.
i don't think i have been able to trust a single thing i have done since.
wow...i didn't know that was in there but it suddenly makes the last 3 months of my life make a lot more sense...i think this is all i can handle for now...
Friday, September 11, 2009
a week from haiti...
so i have put my stuff in drawers and groceries in cabinets and luke has started barking at all approaching cars (including mine) like he is guarding the entrance to fort knox so i guess you could say we are getting "settled in"...i have already had two weeks of school which is weird in a way...i'm realizing that it is going to go by so fast...and that so much is going to happen in this time that i need to be really intentional about taking it all in...so here are some things that happened this week that i hope i don't forget...
we watched some videos in pro sem about pioneer dance therapists and one showed work with two autistic young girls...it was beyond powerful and was emotional itself...these moments of almost supernatural connection that happened with these children who had never had a relationship with another human being because of their condition...and it brought to me the flashes of moments...especially moments in haiti...where i've had similar experiences...blinking with ivenson and givenson....dancing with isna...stargazing and singing with marvins...sign language with emmanuella...having my nose doctored and eye lids raised and lowered for me by ti rose...this of course brought up the fact that in a week i will be back in haiti...i will be hugging those children, i will be seeing the progresses that have been made on buildings and programs and in childrens' developments...and with that comes facing some realities very fully and finally...
elizabeth and i found a "fill a bag for a dollar" thrift store sale and had a glorious time exploring...and i wore my favorite find (favorite besides the ruffled muu muu of course) on thursday...we are calling it the "not big but dramatic black shirt that may or may not have come off the maternity rack but i am rocking it anyway" shirt. and i love it.
we went out to celebrate the birthdays in our cohort for the month of september and i found myself really being myself...i mean really...without thinking about it at all...and it was really really lovely...
i went on a job search that consisted of some very frustrating clicking (clicking: use of technology, specifically computers) and then a walk all over downtown keene...usually carrying my left shoe until i was about to enter a business...asking the question that apparently hundreds of other college students in this town have already asked "are you taking applications?"...my favorite response was "sure, im takin a lot of them. i have to. i can throw them away when you leave but i have to take them." but at some point i saw something i really wanted a picture of. then i realized i had a camera (thanks mama!) and so i stopped and took a few shots...and i it occurred to me that i could decide if i had had a fairly unsuccessful job search or a thoroughly successful one shoed walk through downtown that resulted in some lovely photos, happy moments with street musicians, women with babies, bartenders and a couple of kindred spirits who had chosen to go sans footwear...and that this beautiful day might result in some future employment...and that is what i decided that i had yesterday...
after that i met up with candy lo and ritu for a grocery store excursion and gave my dear friend from hong kong her first stateside driving lesson...very very fun!
and for those of you who know that provision has been an issue heavy on my heart you will be happy to hear that not only did i have a real breakthrough in my spirit about it yesterday, i also had a great talk with candy that evening (over a lovely dinner!)...and i am realizing that i am exactly right that it is out there...that HE has it for me...and HE intends to give it to me in ridiculously fun ways...but he is leaving some space...making some space...for me to give him more glory...for more good to come of what he does when he does it...and i am actually getting really excited about that.
so today it is more job applications...(the clicking has gone much better today btdubs), some laundry, some reading if the library has the books, some homework, maybe some art this afternoon but mostly it is making sure that tonight i think today was a successful day of something...even if it isn't exactly the something i thought i was supposed to succeed in today...i think there is something really important about learning how to see life this way...
we watched some videos in pro sem about pioneer dance therapists and one showed work with two autistic young girls...it was beyond powerful and was emotional itself...these moments of almost supernatural connection that happened with these children who had never had a relationship with another human being because of their condition...and it brought to me the flashes of moments...especially moments in haiti...where i've had similar experiences...blinking with ivenson and givenson....dancing with isna...stargazing and singing with marvins...sign language with emmanuella...having my nose doctored and eye lids raised and lowered for me by ti rose...this of course brought up the fact that in a week i will be back in haiti...i will be hugging those children, i will be seeing the progresses that have been made on buildings and programs and in childrens' developments...and with that comes facing some realities very fully and finally...
elizabeth and i found a "fill a bag for a dollar" thrift store sale and had a glorious time exploring...and i wore my favorite find (favorite besides the ruffled muu muu of course) on thursday...we are calling it the "not big but dramatic black shirt that may or may not have come off the maternity rack but i am rocking it anyway" shirt. and i love it.
we went out to celebrate the birthdays in our cohort for the month of september and i found myself really being myself...i mean really...without thinking about it at all...and it was really really lovely...
i went on a job search that consisted of some very frustrating clicking (clicking: use of technology, specifically computers) and then a walk all over downtown keene...usually carrying my left shoe until i was about to enter a business...asking the question that apparently hundreds of other college students in this town have already asked "are you taking applications?"...my favorite response was "sure, im takin a lot of them. i have to. i can throw them away when you leave but i have to take them." but at some point i saw something i really wanted a picture of. then i realized i had a camera (thanks mama!) and so i stopped and took a few shots...and i it occurred to me that i could decide if i had had a fairly unsuccessful job search or a thoroughly successful one shoed walk through downtown that resulted in some lovely photos, happy moments with street musicians, women with babies, bartenders and a couple of kindred spirits who had chosen to go sans footwear...and that this beautiful day might result in some future employment...and that is what i decided that i had yesterday...
after that i met up with candy lo and ritu for a grocery store excursion and gave my dear friend from hong kong her first stateside driving lesson...very very fun!
and for those of you who know that provision has been an issue heavy on my heart you will be happy to hear that not only did i have a real breakthrough in my spirit about it yesterday, i also had a great talk with candy that evening (over a lovely dinner!)...and i am realizing that i am exactly right that it is out there...that HE has it for me...and HE intends to give it to me in ridiculously fun ways...but he is leaving some space...making some space...for me to give him more glory...for more good to come of what he does when he does it...and i am actually getting really excited about that.
so today it is more job applications...(the clicking has gone much better today btdubs), some laundry, some reading if the library has the books, some homework, maybe some art this afternoon but mostly it is making sure that tonight i think today was a successful day of something...even if it isn't exactly the something i thought i was supposed to succeed in today...i think there is something really important about learning how to see life this way...
Friday, September 4, 2009
a letter to her...
ti zwazo
you smell like vanilla and you fit perfectly on my chest. that doesn't comfort at all though - you shouldn't - you are almost 2 years old for crying out loud. you lay here with a weight much heavier than your ten and a half pounds and suffer for the sins or the ignorance or the carelessness of others...whatever it is called...nothing has ever seemed so unfair.
your body seems to have given up already...except for the way it clings to mine. and the way you reach out to be held...with your hands, but with your eyes too. so i keep filling your belly, if you can call 10 cc of anything filling...every hour, on the hour...willing you, begging you to see beyond this moment and this pain. but some very angry part of me knows that i won't ever know you as a grown up girl. i won't meet that small but fierce young woman who takes herself a little too seriously but whose smile can stop the whole world from turning.
that woman you should have become...
in my move i found this letter i started to rosetaina not long after she came...i also found a page in my journal where she had scribbled during a clinic visit...you would have thought it was a picaso...
you smell like vanilla and you fit perfectly on my chest. that doesn't comfort at all though - you shouldn't - you are almost 2 years old for crying out loud. you lay here with a weight much heavier than your ten and a half pounds and suffer for the sins or the ignorance or the carelessness of others...whatever it is called...nothing has ever seemed so unfair.
your body seems to have given up already...except for the way it clings to mine. and the way you reach out to be held...with your hands, but with your eyes too. so i keep filling your belly, if you can call 10 cc of anything filling...every hour, on the hour...willing you, begging you to see beyond this moment and this pain. but some very angry part of me knows that i won't ever know you as a grown up girl. i won't meet that small but fierce young woman who takes herself a little too seriously but whose smile can stop the whole world from turning.
that woman you should have become...
in my move i found this letter i started to rosetaina not long after she came...i also found a page in my journal where she had scribbled during a clinic visit...you would have thought it was a picaso...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
the adventure so far....
so school started on tuesday but i just officially unpacked today and took my first shower of the week (sorry dmt cohort) so i am just really getting my brain around this thing that i have done...here have been some high points so far...
26 hours in the LUMINA with all my worldly possesions and LUKE...with a 2 hour break on the side of interstate 87...if you are ever feeling distant from your 100 lb dog...just move 1100 miles away with him...the drive will connect you in all sorts of new ways...and dogs make great roadtrip buddies...they let you pick the radio station, they like to eat anywhere you do, and you can still sing at the top of your lungs if you feel like it and it isn't all awkward...
orientation was great...they even let luke participate...i love the ladies in my program and my professors...also made some connections with girls from the SOUTH...they heard me coming a mile away...
MY HOUSE...so i met my new house and my new roomates and they all met LUKE...it went really great...it is an old farmhouse on 200 acres of undeveloped woods for us both to wander in...just about 10 minutes from school and a super easy drive...luke got along with everyone including their dog faith and the new kittens...while we were there we saw two bucks eating from the apple tree in the front yard and a double rainbow...i am taking both as good signs! my roomates are super nice and very helpful...and i have a clawfoot bathtub! i really love that.
since they were still re-arranging for our arrival luke and i headed up to ellsworth for a few days to give them a chance to finish...luke got to meet jenny jones and junebug's family...i got to swim in graham lake and see the "big rock"...and it was a very. big. rock. i really do love maine. and lots of people in it.
as for actual school...here is the low down...i go to a grad school where you are required to remove your shoes before you enter the majority of our classes, there are no tests, we laugh and make noise and dance around like children as PART OF OUR GRADE, i spend my days in a room full of amazing women who not only appreciate my passions...they SHARE THEM...it is going to be intense and tough but it is also going to be amazing...i love the teachers, i love the the mindset of this place, i love my classmates...
speaking of my classmates...what a group of women...one of them has worked with the peace corps, one is a playwright who saw her daughter through a brain tumor (daughter started college the same day we did), one worked at HONG KONG DISNEY (and she knew right away i would want to be one of the "brown" princess...i like that :), one loves candy and snacks as much as i do (yeah we sit together a lot), one is a mother of a three year old who also cares for her disabled mother, and one girl has come from india (her first time away from her family and she moved in the saturday before classes) just to study dance therapy - i think of her if i start to get overwhelmed by my move...pshish :)...there is a brave and beautiful story for each of them and and i am so honored to be taking this journey with them...
there was definitely a moment this week when i kind of freaked out...i realized that i hadn't just thought about it or talked about it...i had actually done this...i had packed up and moved away, i had rented a room in a farmhouse in new hampshire, i had taken out a student loan and enrolled in a well respected and really tough graduate school...i have never bet so much on myself or invested this way in myself and my dreams...and i know i never would have without the love and wisdom i have been so blessed to live in for so much of my life. there are so many of you that have poured into me in truly remarkable ways and your giving has made this new season of my life a reality. thank you.
p.s. all the gas stations around my house a called "t birds"....
26 hours in the LUMINA with all my worldly possesions and LUKE...with a 2 hour break on the side of interstate 87...if you are ever feeling distant from your 100 lb dog...just move 1100 miles away with him...the drive will connect you in all sorts of new ways...and dogs make great roadtrip buddies...they let you pick the radio station, they like to eat anywhere you do, and you can still sing at the top of your lungs if you feel like it and it isn't all awkward...
orientation was great...they even let luke participate...i love the ladies in my program and my professors...also made some connections with girls from the SOUTH...they heard me coming a mile away...
MY HOUSE...so i met my new house and my new roomates and they all met LUKE...it went really great...it is an old farmhouse on 200 acres of undeveloped woods for us both to wander in...just about 10 minutes from school and a super easy drive...luke got along with everyone including their dog faith and the new kittens...while we were there we saw two bucks eating from the apple tree in the front yard and a double rainbow...i am taking both as good signs! my roomates are super nice and very helpful...and i have a clawfoot bathtub! i really love that.
since they were still re-arranging for our arrival luke and i headed up to ellsworth for a few days to give them a chance to finish...luke got to meet jenny jones and junebug's family...i got to swim in graham lake and see the "big rock"...and it was a very. big. rock. i really do love maine. and lots of people in it.
as for actual school...here is the low down...i go to a grad school where you are required to remove your shoes before you enter the majority of our classes, there are no tests, we laugh and make noise and dance around like children as PART OF OUR GRADE, i spend my days in a room full of amazing women who not only appreciate my passions...they SHARE THEM...it is going to be intense and tough but it is also going to be amazing...i love the teachers, i love the the mindset of this place, i love my classmates...
speaking of my classmates...what a group of women...one of them has worked with the peace corps, one is a playwright who saw her daughter through a brain tumor (daughter started college the same day we did), one worked at HONG KONG DISNEY (and she knew right away i would want to be one of the "brown" princess...i like that :), one loves candy and snacks as much as i do (yeah we sit together a lot), one is a mother of a three year old who also cares for her disabled mother, and one girl has come from india (her first time away from her family and she moved in the saturday before classes) just to study dance therapy - i think of her if i start to get overwhelmed by my move...pshish :)...there is a brave and beautiful story for each of them and and i am so honored to be taking this journey with them...
there was definitely a moment this week when i kind of freaked out...i realized that i hadn't just thought about it or talked about it...i had actually done this...i had packed up and moved away, i had rented a room in a farmhouse in new hampshire, i had taken out a student loan and enrolled in a well respected and really tough graduate school...i have never bet so much on myself or invested this way in myself and my dreams...and i know i never would have without the love and wisdom i have been so blessed to live in for so much of my life. there are so many of you that have poured into me in truly remarkable ways and your giving has made this new season of my life a reality. thank you.
p.s. all the gas stations around my house a called "t birds"....
Monday, August 3, 2009
live free or die...and other state mottos that will make you wanna uproot your life and move there...
so i have been accepted to grad school and i move to new hampshire in two days...which i know begs the question...what do you mean grad school....and you would think that now that i have at least phsyically rejoined the "1st world" population and with so many really big things happening to me in the almost 3 months since my return that i would have done tons of blogging and communicating, especially since i no longer have babies on my hip or lack of technological "conveniences" to hide behind as excuses...and yet....here we are...me with a whole lot of untold stories and yet another huge major life decision that i have failed to keep the interwebbytonlandville informed of and you...well i don't exactly know why you are here...i thought my mama was the only one reading this until i started getting ridiculous comments from that sadly uninformed "anonymous" and calls from the newspaper...but i am glad you are...and at any rate...i figured that this new season of life (the one where i move to a land that actually has seasons...including this one i have heard tell of but is only legend in our parts..."winter") would be a good time to try to start this whole blogging thing again...we will start with my application letter...i think it sums this move up...the questions were what are your significant learning experiences in life, what is your learning/problem solving style...and question three...why antioch, why at this time in your life, what do you hope to gain personally and professionally, and what do you hope to contribute to your field...all in 2-3 double spaced pages...right...
At 29 years old, sometimes I feel I have already lived several different lives. I have been able to experience so many different things and learn so many different lessons...about myself, about people, and about life. I have done enough of my “dream jobs” already to learn that if I keep moving forward I will get to do everything I ever dreamed about. I have helped care for three grandmothers as they died, two as they lost their physical bodies, and one as she lost her mind. I live in a different way now that I have seen what both are like. I have given my heart to someone who didn't deserve it and learned what it means to lose yourself in someone else, and to have to go looking for the pieces and put them back together. I have spent a summer working with a blind man and learned what it really means to see, learned the difference between having sight and having vision. I have met enough people who have everything to learn that “having everything” doesn't amount to much of anything. I have met enough people who don't have anything to recognize that there is “really something” to such a life. I have tried being several different people and I have learned that I am not nearly as good at being them as I am at being me.
I am a nerd. I love to make lists, to read and analyze, to look things up. But if I am going to really learn something, I have to “put my hands to it.” In my teaching, I definitely tend to show more than tell and that is also how I learn best. I usually approach a problem by breaking it down and looking at each part separately. Sometimes a situation becomes a problem merely because we are not looking at it from the right angle. Solving a problem for me is like an adventure, or a puzzle. I like to figure out how things can be rearranged so they fit together and work instead of clashing. I am very direct and I like to address issues before they grow out of proportion. I feel that healthy communication is vital to preventing and solving problems. I always explore the logic of a situation, sometimes ridiculously so, but I ultimately tend to be a go with my gut, follow my heart, trust my instincts kind of girl.
Case in point, I have been carrying around literature from Antioch New England for over a year and from the beginning I have felt so connected to this school that I have never visited and these teachers that I have never met. I can't tell you why, but some part of me knew as soon as I started looking for somewhere to study Dance Therapy that I wanted to do it at Antioch New England. “Why now?” is a very good question, especially since the deadline to apply passed last week. I have known for a long time that dance has tremendous power to heal and restore the mind and body, to offer a person the space and freedom to deal with who they are and how they feel in a way that nothing else can. I have even known for a long time that this is the area of dance I wanted to pursue. But seeing it happen... watching the wall of a child's pain begin to crumble and seeing the beauty of who they really are begin spill out on a dance floor (in this case a concrete rooftop in Haiti)...that will change everything. The first time I saw that happen I wanted, with a whole new intensity, to know everything there was to know about using the art of dance to help people. Still, when I returned home, I hesitated to go after something so big. The moving...the money...investing 2 years and my whole being to one of my many dreams...
Then a baby died.
Not my baby exactly, but a baby that I had fed on the hour through a feeding tube with a syringe, that I had Salsa danced with because a Latin beat made her smile like few things did, that I had held during days and nights of pain and fever and the general misery that comes with AIDS, a baby that I loved but could not have saved. Somehow, losing her brought back into view the vision of all the children who are waiting for healing and restoration, the children and people who could still have it, the children and people I have always wanted to help. I realized no matter how crazy it seems to go after this RIGHT NOW, now is exactly when I want to start moving toward the knowledge that matches the desire of my heart. The pains being suffered by the child soldiers and the abused women and the bearers of disease and the victims of hate are being felt NOW. So who am I to wait around any longer? Even as I type this I realize how utterly melodramatic it sounds, like something you say to get into grad school maybe, but it is actually way more honest than anything I had intended to write when I started typing. That is exactly what happened and exactly why you have this application at all.
To be completely honest, I am way more interested in the information than I am the Degree or the Certification. I plan to pursue both in excellence, but what I really want is to know how to do this, and do it well. I will bring my whole heart, all of my ideas, all of my experiences and every ounce of energy and passion I have to my studies, to my campus, to my community, and to my field.
That is the only way I know how to live.
At 29 years old, sometimes I feel I have already lived several different lives. I have been able to experience so many different things and learn so many different lessons...about myself, about people, and about life. I have done enough of my “dream jobs” already to learn that if I keep moving forward I will get to do everything I ever dreamed about. I have helped care for three grandmothers as they died, two as they lost their physical bodies, and one as she lost her mind. I live in a different way now that I have seen what both are like. I have given my heart to someone who didn't deserve it and learned what it means to lose yourself in someone else, and to have to go looking for the pieces and put them back together. I have spent a summer working with a blind man and learned what it really means to see, learned the difference between having sight and having vision. I have met enough people who have everything to learn that “having everything” doesn't amount to much of anything. I have met enough people who don't have anything to recognize that there is “really something” to such a life. I have tried being several different people and I have learned that I am not nearly as good at being them as I am at being me.
I am a nerd. I love to make lists, to read and analyze, to look things up. But if I am going to really learn something, I have to “put my hands to it.” In my teaching, I definitely tend to show more than tell and that is also how I learn best. I usually approach a problem by breaking it down and looking at each part separately. Sometimes a situation becomes a problem merely because we are not looking at it from the right angle. Solving a problem for me is like an adventure, or a puzzle. I like to figure out how things can be rearranged so they fit together and work instead of clashing. I am very direct and I like to address issues before they grow out of proportion. I feel that healthy communication is vital to preventing and solving problems. I always explore the logic of a situation, sometimes ridiculously so, but I ultimately tend to be a go with my gut, follow my heart, trust my instincts kind of girl.
Case in point, I have been carrying around literature from Antioch New England for over a year and from the beginning I have felt so connected to this school that I have never visited and these teachers that I have never met. I can't tell you why, but some part of me knew as soon as I started looking for somewhere to study Dance Therapy that I wanted to do it at Antioch New England. “Why now?” is a very good question, especially since the deadline to apply passed last week. I have known for a long time that dance has tremendous power to heal and restore the mind and body, to offer a person the space and freedom to deal with who they are and how they feel in a way that nothing else can. I have even known for a long time that this is the area of dance I wanted to pursue. But seeing it happen... watching the wall of a child's pain begin to crumble and seeing the beauty of who they really are begin spill out on a dance floor (in this case a concrete rooftop in Haiti)...that will change everything. The first time I saw that happen I wanted, with a whole new intensity, to know everything there was to know about using the art of dance to help people. Still, when I returned home, I hesitated to go after something so big. The moving...the money...investing 2 years and my whole being to one of my many dreams...
Then a baby died.
Not my baby exactly, but a baby that I had fed on the hour through a feeding tube with a syringe, that I had Salsa danced with because a Latin beat made her smile like few things did, that I had held during days and nights of pain and fever and the general misery that comes with AIDS, a baby that I loved but could not have saved. Somehow, losing her brought back into view the vision of all the children who are waiting for healing and restoration, the children and people who could still have it, the children and people I have always wanted to help. I realized no matter how crazy it seems to go after this RIGHT NOW, now is exactly when I want to start moving toward the knowledge that matches the desire of my heart. The pains being suffered by the child soldiers and the abused women and the bearers of disease and the victims of hate are being felt NOW. So who am I to wait around any longer? Even as I type this I realize how utterly melodramatic it sounds, like something you say to get into grad school maybe, but it is actually way more honest than anything I had intended to write when I started typing. That is exactly what happened and exactly why you have this application at all.
To be completely honest, I am way more interested in the information than I am the Degree or the Certification. I plan to pursue both in excellence, but what I really want is to know how to do this, and do it well. I will bring my whole heart, all of my ideas, all of my experiences and every ounce of energy and passion I have to my studies, to my campus, to my community, and to my field.
That is the only way I know how to live.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
my sister home=amazing
recent conversations between us...
i thought you said i had to drive?
yeah, i did, but you veto-ed me.
since when do you listen to me?
it's this new thing im trying (eyebrow) we will see how it goes...
i need to throw up.
what..are you ok?
well, actually my heart needs to throw up. you know that feeling in your stomach when you need to throw up? my heart has that feeling.
i know exactly what you mean.
that is why i love you.
i wish we had a boat so we could smuggle your baby here.
we do have a boat.
you have really thought this through....
i thought you said i had to drive?
yeah, i did, but you veto-ed me.
since when do you listen to me?
it's this new thing im trying (eyebrow) we will see how it goes...
i need to throw up.
what..are you ok?
well, actually my heart needs to throw up. you know that feeling in your stomach when you need to throw up? my heart has that feeling.
i know exactly what you mean.
that is why i love you.
i wish we had a boat so we could smuggle your baby here.
we do have a boat.
you have really thought this through....
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
so tonight i am up...there are a lot of reasons i could site...but its probably because there is a baby dying in our house...i am not even there...house sitting of all things...but my heart and my thoughts rest with aron...except they don't exactly rest...about a week ago the face of dying children began to narrow from a dark blurry idea to something more like an actual image...i was in the hospital where we take our children who have aids and tb waiting for an x-ray...i could sense tension among several staff that passed by and later my concerns were confirmed when they escorted two women through our hallway, both clearly weak...wailing and mourning, one calling out "petit mwen, petit mwen"...my baby my baby...now, i am the one who has been ranting for years about the state of affairs for children around the world...i know and am quick to tell people that 30 thousand children die around the world EVERY DAY because they are HUNGRY...not to mention those who are born with or develop other problems...problems that wouldn't have even been a blip on the radar for me as a baby in the states...but this wasn't 30 thousand mysterious invisible children somewhere....this was ONE baby...this was ONE mother...not mourning the global crisis we face...she mourned only one loss...a loss that filled her whole world...i was taken apart by the realization that the loss of this baby was in some ways just as big as the loss of all the ones that will have died that day...it was one baby...but i am certain the void couldn't have felt any larger if all 30 thousand mothers had been wailing in that hallway with her...we each clung to the child in our own lap...sick though they may have been they lived and breathed and felt suddenly heavier now that we were bearing the common guilt of surviors...but at some point we were each called in...got our examinations, picked up medications, had x-rays taken...bought some rice on the street...got on a tap tap...waited for our rides...everyone was different except that for each of us life kept moving while that mother laid in a chair holding her dead babies clothes...and now that reality has come home with me...once again i am facinated with how life and death, beginnings and ends, the sacred and the profane...they all lay so often side by side in our universes...we blow bubbles and dance with children then force food into a baby's sunken belly...comment on a drawing of kites and triangles while we change a diaper filled with blood...count racing heartbeats and shallow gasping respirations as wild healthy children dance and praise god with along with their favorite dvd all around us...pack a bag of food for a woman who you aren't sure can surive the walk home and then pack the bag of a baby now healthy and headed home with a smiling father...put away toys and time seizures...teach a girl with one hand to sew at the same table where you have scrubbed the burnt flesh of a nine year old with nothing but tylenol to numb her pain...cook and console and laugh and inject...cry and clean...teach and bury...somehow it is all part of the same thing...today dorothy and i stood side by side...me holding sterling and she aron...it was the weirdest moment as i looked into the eyes of a child in whom the lights seem to just be coming on and life beginning to emerge from and dorothy into eyes that seem to be drifting farther away slowly, almost carefully letting go...the reason it was weird wasn't how different their situations seems to be...it was how similar...one didn't feel like a success and the other a failure to me...both life and death are welcome to me...one is my companion for a season and the other my slave forever conquered already for eternity...and the same is true for these babies...life is a gift from god but death is merely a reuniting with him...either way they win...but its ridiculous and insulting even to pretend the loss isn't there...ive already seen it...already felt it...so who is losing, what is lost...and why...i haven't got the first clue...but maybe now i can sleep.
Monday, May 18, 2009
mine and yours....
so some people came by to visit keziah before she left to go to the states for the summer and they brought us some lovely mangos...and a baby kitten....yeah. both kervens and cha cha were immediately smitten with the cat but not too surprisingly the cat favored kerven's calling of the cat and petting over cha cha's chasing and grabbing...hmm. anyway, i could feel a battle coming on over whose the cat was gonna BE...regardless of who it played with...i kept hearing each boy looking for "my cat" (or with cha cha "cat mine") but neither had heard the other so i was just waiting...to give you a little background 4 year old cha cha has moved upstairs and now shares a room with 10 year old kervens...so far cha still calls the room "room kervens" but you know how brothers can be :)...so anyway, like i said i was waiting to see just what was gonna happen with the kitty...until the other night...this is the conversation...
cha cha appears at the doorway to the kitchen after being put to bed...
cha cha, what are you doing up buddy
CAT KERVENS toilette (pooped) in MY ROOM!!
and just like that the cat became kervens'...tell me there isn't a sermon there...
p.s. the room still remains "room kervens" when it needs cleaning...tell me there isn't one there too....
cha cha appears at the doorway to the kitchen after being put to bed...
cha cha, what are you doing up buddy
CAT KERVENS toilette (pooped) in MY ROOM!!
and just like that the cat became kervens'...tell me there isn't a sermon there...
p.s. the room still remains "room kervens" when it needs cleaning...tell me there isn't one there too....
Monday, May 11, 2009
my day...
wake up to the sound of children saying "brush brush stop" downstairs
(to those who do not teach pre-ks how to dance that is the sound of a shuffle being practiced)
walk down the hall to hi-fives for not peeing in my bed - whoo-hoo!
(i had given hi-fives to all the kids who woke up with dry beds...they were returning the favor)
sit in the rocker with isna just whispering in her ear all the beautiful things i believe await her in life...and how precious she is to us, to her adoptive family, and to god
teach cha cha how you hold a baby cat
nap on the floor with a four month old wearing two full leg casts (to correct clubbed feet)
employ some of the child rearing skills i learned at the MP and we decide as a family that
-baseball bats are for outside
-pulling up our pants happens inside the bathroom
-and we do not put lids on containers with kitties inside them
thank you ashley...i have benefited so much from your family's journey...
spend the afternoon dressed in a sparkly top, pink scrub pants, red high heels and a paper tiara...you guessed it...playing sharpay evans for my roomate's high school musical party...fabulous
wake up to the sound of children saying "brush brush stop" downstairs
(to those who do not teach pre-ks how to dance that is the sound of a shuffle being practiced)
walk down the hall to hi-fives for not peeing in my bed - whoo-hoo!
(i had given hi-fives to all the kids who woke up with dry beds...they were returning the favor)
sit in the rocker with isna just whispering in her ear all the beautiful things i believe await her in life...and how precious she is to us, to her adoptive family, and to god
teach cha cha how you hold a baby cat
nap on the floor with a four month old wearing two full leg casts (to correct clubbed feet)
employ some of the child rearing skills i learned at the MP and we decide as a family that
-baseball bats are for outside
-pulling up our pants happens inside the bathroom
-and we do not put lids on containers with kitties inside them
thank you ashley...i have benefited so much from your family's journey...
spend the afternoon dressed in a sparkly top, pink scrub pants, red high heels and a paper tiara...you guessed it...playing sharpay evans for my roomate's high school musical party...fabulous
instruct kervens on how to properly wear said red high heels without breaking them, or his leg
take the gran ti moun yo outside for a little tap dancin...hokey pokey, ring around the rosey, and i see the moon....
snuggle with my ti zwazo a little before bed
remind cha cha of family decision number two...underpants up THEN exit the bathroom
bon nwit tout moun...it was a good day
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
blog monster returns: rise of the tail end
okay...i did all i could yesterday or the day before...whenever it was that i started this monster blog to bring you up to date and i have a couple of things to say before i bring this beast to a close...
the first is that i realized after writing that first section that writing about this life that way is terribly ineffective b/c it isn't the general info about what i do in a day that deserves recording, it is those little moments that turn the world upside down, the crizazy things that one of the kids (or my mama) says at the breakfast table...it is the flashes and seconds of my day that deserve their own pages of remembering...not the boring overview...so i am sorry and i really am going to try to do better...
the second is it really annoys me that what i put into this little box never ends up looking right when i post my blog...and when i come back to this little box everything still looks right here so i don't even know how to edit it to fix it...so forgive the ridiculous annoyance of the extra spaces, misplaces pictures, and words spelled out with one letter on each line...just take comfort in knowing that instead of wasting my life figuring out this mystery i just trust you to be smart enough to get the gist and i do something worthwhile with that time...like take a nap with a baby...
now where were we...ahhh yes...back in haiti....
well i came back to a ti zwazo that weighed a whopping 14 pounds and has turned into an eating machine...we laugh a lot now about the conversations we had when we first got her and were force feeding her 10cc of formula an hour through an NG tube...we would ponder over whether it was right to force a baby in her condition to stay alive after a certain point...yeah we aren't pondering that about her anymore...she even has one of the other children stealing from other kids and putting it on her plate...and her body is now an alarm clock for the kids' meal and snack times...she will be hanging out and playing and then suddenly go into super crank muffin mode...and without fail you can check the clock and you will find it is time for food...our prayers were also answered when she went to AIDS clinic...the docs are going to put her on the ARV's without treating her first for tb (we were concerned she didn't have the time or immune system left to wait that long)...they want her to be stronger first so she still won't start for another month but it is still a good thing...so keep eating bird!
once i got back into the swing of things it was back to homeschooling now amid a group of toddlers...funny thing is i think kervens was actually way less distracted than i was...:)
i also started dancing with the kids again with the addition of roseline who is a 6 year old staying with us while she gets better from some sores and gets her nutrition back on track...it was so great because all the kids were listening better than ever and jetline has even been coming up with her own choreography...and apparently they have been teaching roseline while i was gone b/c this child who has never danced with us and doesn't speak any english knew all the steps and even what they are called...and she gets crizazy excited every time i pull out our dancebag...i have to say i was pretty proud of my little dancers!
with malnutrition you get all kinds of side effects developmentally and so we have a lot of kids who are behind in language or motor skills that we have been encouraging to catch up...johnny j...one of our aids babies...keziah's aid's baby to be more specific....is one of those...recently he finally started responding to our constant urging and on a recent trip to clinic he randomly said my name in answer to kez's question "keyes sa?" (who is that?) and then on his 2 birthday he came over to me and climbed up just like normal but then proceeded to show me that he could stand up all by himself...because we have been BEGGING this child to show any interest in walking and talking before he was 30 we showed him LOTS of positive attention for his efforts...the result has been that in various forms "casey" is the new "it word" downstairs and walking is the new cool thing to do...so at the same time we have children of several different ages and different developmental levels all learning to walk at the same time and calling "casey, casey" non stop from the basement as they try out their new skill...its really quite facinating...remember this when you pay a kid a lot of attention for something... you WILL see it again!
i got to visit healing hands for haiti for the first and second time...we got poutchino fitted for a wheelchair and took our new baby in to have her clubbed feet cast...and so keziah went to a beach retreat for three days with a youth group and got barely any sun and i spent the day in a clinic and had a sunburn when i got home...ohhhh haiti...
i made two trips to ti frer for tb clinic with poutchino and miltha and had three people offer me their chilren...
i realized that your whole perception of a luxury changes after you watch a child eat the candy coating off of an m&m and then eat the chocolate...
i had a few of those moments when you think there is something wrong with the computer screen...then you think you are about to pass out...then you realize that you have just been rocking a baby so long that you have forgotten that YOU are moving...not the images before you on the screen...but everyone has those moments, right?
i witnessed a baby leaving our house to go back to their family...my first one other than emily (who went to an orphanage) to actually be here for...it is a good thing but it was really hard to watch them walk into the ravine with her...bye bye bethsaica...
and for any of you who think i am in anyway tough or hardcore you should know i am being bullied into a daily afternoon nap by a 14lb 2 year old...so yeah.
okay, this is not nearly everything...barely anything really...but its some of the highlights and honestly...this blog has been a shadow hanging over me and i need to move on with my life...:)
so if you are still reading...consider the monster blog slain...
the first is that i realized after writing that first section that writing about this life that way is terribly ineffective b/c it isn't the general info about what i do in a day that deserves recording, it is those little moments that turn the world upside down, the crizazy things that one of the kids (or my mama) says at the breakfast table...it is the flashes and seconds of my day that deserve their own pages of remembering...not the boring overview...so i am sorry and i really am going to try to do better...
the second is it really annoys me that what i put into this little box never ends up looking right when i post my blog...and when i come back to this little box everything still looks right here so i don't even know how to edit it to fix it...so forgive the ridiculous annoyance of the extra spaces, misplaces pictures, and words spelled out with one letter on each line...just take comfort in knowing that instead of wasting my life figuring out this mystery i just trust you to be smart enough to get the gist and i do something worthwhile with that time...like take a nap with a baby...
now where were we...ahhh yes...back in haiti....
well i came back to a ti zwazo that weighed a whopping 14 pounds and has turned into an eating machine...we laugh a lot now about the conversations we had when we first got her and were force feeding her 10cc of formula an hour through an NG tube...we would ponder over whether it was right to force a baby in her condition to stay alive after a certain point...yeah we aren't pondering that about her anymore...she even has one of the other children stealing from other kids and putting it on her plate...and her body is now an alarm clock for the kids' meal and snack times...she will be hanging out and playing and then suddenly go into super crank muffin mode...and without fail you can check the clock and you will find it is time for food...our prayers were also answered when she went to AIDS clinic...the docs are going to put her on the ARV's without treating her first for tb (we were concerned she didn't have the time or immune system left to wait that long)...they want her to be stronger first so she still won't start for another month but it is still a good thing...so keep eating bird!
once i got back into the swing of things it was back to homeschooling now amid a group of toddlers...funny thing is i think kervens was actually way less distracted than i was...:)
i also started dancing with the kids again with the addition of roseline who is a 6 year old staying with us while she gets better from some sores and gets her nutrition back on track...it was so great because all the kids were listening better than ever and jetline has even been coming up with her own choreography...and apparently they have been teaching roseline while i was gone b/c this child who has never danced with us and doesn't speak any english knew all the steps and even what they are called...and she gets crizazy excited every time i pull out our dancebag...i have to say i was pretty proud of my little dancers!
with malnutrition you get all kinds of side effects developmentally and so we have a lot of kids who are behind in language or motor skills that we have been encouraging to catch up...johnny j...one of our aids babies...keziah's aid's baby to be more specific....is one of those...recently he finally started responding to our constant urging and on a recent trip to clinic he randomly said my name in answer to kez's question "keyes sa?" (who is that?) and then on his 2 birthday he came over to me and climbed up just like normal but then proceeded to show me that he could stand up all by himself...because we have been BEGGING this child to show any interest in walking and talking before he was 30 we showed him LOTS of positive attention for his efforts...the result has been that in various forms "casey" is the new "it word" downstairs and walking is the new cool thing to do...so at the same time we have children of several different ages and different developmental levels all learning to walk at the same time and calling "casey, casey" non stop from the basement as they try out their new skill...its really quite facinating...remember this when you pay a kid a lot of attention for something... you WILL see it again!
i got to visit healing hands for haiti for the first and second time...we got poutchino fitted for a wheelchair and took our new baby in to have her clubbed feet cast...and so keziah went to a beach retreat for three days with a youth group and got barely any sun and i spent the day in a clinic and had a sunburn when i got home...ohhhh haiti...
i made two trips to ti frer for tb clinic with poutchino and miltha and had three people offer me their chilren...
i realized that your whole perception of a luxury changes after you watch a child eat the candy coating off of an m&m and then eat the chocolate...
i had a few of those moments when you think there is something wrong with the computer screen...then you think you are about to pass out...then you realize that you have just been rocking a baby so long that you have forgotten that YOU are moving...not the images before you on the screen...but everyone has those moments, right?
i witnessed a baby leaving our house to go back to their family...my first one other than emily (who went to an orphanage) to actually be here for...it is a good thing but it was really hard to watch them walk into the ravine with her...bye bye bethsaica...
and for any of you who think i am in anyway tough or hardcore you should know i am being bullied into a daily afternoon nap by a 14lb 2 year old...so yeah.
okay, this is not nearly everything...barely anything really...but its some of the highlights and honestly...this blog has been a shadow hanging over me and i need to move on with my life...:)
so if you are still reading...consider the monster blog slain...
Monday, May 4, 2009
blog monster...or monster blog...whatever..a blog that almost scares me
so in the www. i have discovered something that there is nothing quite like the thought of almost a month of life so very full of things to say and share and tell....and a blog where you haven't said or shared or told any of it....where in the world do you start...and how in the world will you convince haitian internet to load all those hotos...and who without weeks of intense training would be able to hang in for such a blog if you could in fact create it...anyway, bear with me...i am going to try to make this happen...but don't blame me if this thing gets out and eats manhattan or something....
backing up to when my family came to visit...quick re-cap...
mama came to haiti...enough said really.
laura lynn and taniuska did surgery in a clinic.
we threw a birthday party that should go down in some kind of history of parties...20 babies all dressed up in costumes with no tears, no major injuries, and no mental breakdowns...see additional blogging and photos.
mama was amazing in haiti.
we went to the basket shop and saw the inner shopper emerge in my mother...i also almost got stuck in the bathroom.
we stole the big boys from dee dee's boy's home and took them to the park to dorothy's for a movie and out for pizza...yep, domino's in haiti...as i said on facebook...sometimes the boycotts aren't as important as the boys. p.s. mama was amazing.
we walked the ravine...tata scrubbed some heads...me and laura lynn tried to help with the scribing...thank you keziah and mary.
we discovered laura lynn needs an easier name for the sake of all the children in foreign countries who are going to love her.
there was lots of hugging and loving of babies...same as usual but this time with 6 extra arms.
mama was was in haiti...and did i mention she was amazing...i love that woman. and the two other chicks she came with did pretty good too :)
okay...update on my visit to supersickytonville...turns out that the 6 days i spent on the floor in our room was care of klebsiella pneumonia...some kind of non-strep throat infection...and we discussed when i got back just how ridiculous my behavior was during that week...mesi jezi for good roomates who kept me hydrated and got me well :)
so just about the time i was starting to feel like i might could start functioning again it was time for my trip home to the states...i had felt very strongly that i was supposed to go back to GA for my brother's play at college (he was willard hewett in footloose...and was so so great) so even though it seemed kind of silly i planned my trip that way....by the time i was supposed to go there were so many reasons that i knew i was supposed to be going home at that time and i was very thankful i had trusted the leanings of my spirit...and then the day before i left i heard that some dear friends of mine had lost their 15 year old nephew/grandson/son/cousin/brother under some extra heartbreaking circumstances...even with delays and my 13 hour layover (it took me 26 hours to make two 2 hour plane rides...you figure it out) i was able to get home just in time for the funeral. what a blessing to get to put my arms around those people that day...again mesi jezi for telling me what to do back in january. i wouldn't trade anything for being able to hug those beautiful people that day...and to say goodbye to blake for now with the many many people who loved him so much - well worth an extra plane ticket.
also while i was home i got to spend some lovely time with my parents, with my dog - who is terribly fat btw, i got to put my underwear in the dryer so now i don't have to roll them up to keep them on (one of the great things about handwashing your clothes is how skinny you get to feel...more and more with each washing!)
it also turns out that bank of america is taking such good care of me and my money that they decided to take action in response to some strange spending behavior...mind you, they didn't have any trouble with all the money being spent in haiti on my card...it wasn't until i got back to the states and was spending money in the country they thought i was in all along that i suddenly couldn't use my card...ahhh the BOA...
on thursday natasha rae and i had a lovely spend the night at the farm...where we spent the night talking! nothing like going to bed at five and getting up at seven...so worth it though...i love that girl.
friday night i spent at the MP (sunny brooks market place) hostessing when i wasn't distracted by people i wanted to visit with and listening to gitlo jam with sam and the occasional customer who felt like gettin up there with him...spent some qt with beaver out by the grill and if we had had like maybe 7 more minutes i think he could have had my whole life figured out...oh well...next time :)
after we closed down we headed to the brookses to get ready for RESCUE ME...a peaceful demonstration to raise awareness about the abduction of children by the LRA in uganda and surrounding countries in africa...i have to say the perfect way to spend my weekend at home...we painted and worshipped and made shirts and plans...then saturday we headed down to tallahassee to spend the night on the steps of the capital...the event was good and so was the fellowship...even if i was kind of out of it...for some reason part of my heart and mind were still on a certain crowd of short people hanging out in the basement of this house in haiti....
so yeah, good visit...i think it was a good "practice round" for my actual going home in june...otherwise i think it would have been a million times harder when i realized how naked i feel without a baby constantly in my lap, laying on my chest, hanging on my skirt, crawling on and under and over me all the time...is that weird?
wow...moving right along aren't we...back to haiti...
after a very exhausted drive in a sticky sweet smelling rental car (apparently they don't make car air fresheners in "dogs and dance feet" variety...ahh the blaze) i made my way back to this place...back to haiti...back to the kids...back to homeschooling...back to the roof...back to the crank muffin...back to tap dancing in the back yard...back to "AGAIN" with poutchino...back to thinking of white people as foreigners...back to the roof...back to driving like you are in a video game...back to changing money in the back room at one stop...back to this life i love so much it hurts...and with that we will start again tomorrow...
so ends the monster blog part one....rrraaaaaarrrr!
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
reunited...
so after 6 days of quarantine my little bird and i were back together again today...and just like the song says it really does feel so-o go-o-o-d....but since she is a severely malnurished baby with hiv and i was a little over 24 hours off the worst 5 days of fever i can remember...we celebrated with a nice long nap. looks like someone caught us in the act. thank you keziah for the use of your bed. and yes she peed in it. and yes you will have new sheets before you get home. and yes if you are reading this tonight i am probably sleeping in your bed on the dirty ones. but wait til you hear how many baths i have taken this week...your head might explode.
p.s. if any one out there has found a babies anonymous...i know now that i can't quit the crank muffin without some serious help...i am in way over my head here..but look at her...and she isn't even trying in this one. you should see her when she smiles...or helps pick out her own clothes....or shows me her belly to see how big it is now...or throws her tiny body upon the floor and tears at her braids at the idea of not being portayed every inch she travels...even that is cute when she does it.
my trip to super sickytonvilleland
so last thursday while by beautiful ladies were still here i came down with a case of the yuck eye..it isn't painful but just a little annoying and extremely contagious which means no touching babies (i suspect laura lynn and taniuska to be somehow responsible since they then had full access to MY baby ti zwazo) and is therefore a travesty to the human condition...or at least my human condition...but the next morning cold like symptoms had set in and so i prepared to crash out once i reluctantly took my peeps to the airport and get some rest so that i would be back in full swing for the next week...between all the groups in, mine and kerv's trips out etc. the past few weeks had been a little topsy turvy and the week would be my chance to realy focus on the house, on the kids, on kervens, on dorothy...try to help get things back in to normal swing and be as helpful as possible before my trip to the states on the 18th...5 days of fever, two trips to medlab, countless hours laid out on our tile floor, too many ibproben, not near enough ice chips and water, 6 days without touching a baby, a few hallucinations and one minor meltdown later and i am finally well enough to write and say that the super productive week i planned is not exactly what went down....
...but instead of telling you all the things i didn't get to that i "needed to" or walking you through all the lovely details of my super strange illness (don't worry aunt sabra i will tell you every detail later) i thought i would tell you what happens to you at faith hope love infant rescue when you are sicker than you have ever been in your whole life...
your beautiful roomates bring you water and vitamins and ibrophen and put them in arms reach of wherever you happen to have been able to fall asleep...even if it is right in the middle of the floor and totally in their way...and even if it is their vacation
those same lovely roomates turn your entire room into a quite zone 24 hours a day...even when you are awake...
you come from a bath to find that the "big kids" have come in and made you pancakes out of their toys to help make you well...
even though it is the worst possible time for you to have gotten sick and there is so much to do that you can't help with you get to see how God works it all together for his glory and how others jump in to help and make it all work...even if you have to hear about it afterwards b/c you are too delirous to know what is going on :)
you hear children randomly call your name throughout the day let you know that they are praying for you...
medications...malaria tests...nurses to adminster them...all happen to be right there in the house which is handy...
the nannies...every time you stumble your way into the kitchen looking for some kind of relief...meds...ice...you usually run into at least 2 or 3 beautiful haitian woman who will inquire about your health in creole and at least pretend to understand what you say...they will pray for you freely right then and there...and when you have been sick for a while and you are looking pretty rough...especially in the hair area...they will look away and pretend not to notice...:)
even though your illness has made life totally boring...the beautiful boy you are supposed to be teaching won't complain...he will come and sit quietly on your bed until you fall asleep and will read to you since it hurts to hold your eyes or the book open...he even does all the voices
did i mention amazing roomates....more water...more meds...more getting of the things it seems are just so far away...the insisting that you eat and silly stuff like that...even more the offer to cook for you the stuff they are insisting you eat. the funny stories from school and boat and relationships to distract you from the huge temper tantrum your body is throwing.
even though it means she is having to do clinic and meds and deal with new babies and the trips to the base to try to get kids onto the surgery boat and a million other things without any help from you...dorothy still manages in to come in after all that as ask how YOU are doing...wow.
when it is finally too much and things just aren't getting better the beautiful dorothy and roomates will pack you into the car and haul you in to give your blood and pee and throat yuck to see what in the world is wrong with you...which means driving at night in haiti...and they will do it again the very next night if need be...and if they find out you don't have dengue fever...they will let you hold a baby on the way home.
when you finally emerge into the land of the living again children will flock to you like you have been gone a year but they will be easy on you too like somehow they know you aren't ready...they will ask to dance because they know you need to hear they want to but they won't beg because they know you really can't do it...not today...maybe tomorrow...
and ti zwazo will clap her hands and laugh. oh man.
there has been something really educational about being really sick right in the midst of this life...there is no where in this house you can go that life isn't happening...that you can't hear the laughs and cries of children, the scolds of nannies, the banging of pot and the washing of bottoms...but even when sounds and lights seem to hurt having to lay very still while it all happens around makes you understand it in a whole new way. and i hope i will value every day that i don't have a headache the way i valued the first hour i didn't have one after those days of having one...and even though i have always had probably more sympathy for a sick child than i actually needed i think listening to them while also being one has given me a different insight as to what it is to live that that...and i think i am a much better person for it....just the reminder that this very intricate, very busy, very difficult life could very well continue on with out me and it is not a necessity that i be involved here at all but something i am blessed enough to get to participate in was really good for me...there was so much...i wish i hadn't been so darn sick so i could have written all my revelations down :)...i received some of the most plain and precious and pure offerings of love from some of the deepest and most honest places in the hearts of the people here...that sounds very dramatic and over the top but it is very true and so you should know...and just so you know i don't have any dreaded fever or malaria and i am in fact going to live..so yay. i even have several pages of information about what is going on in my blood and my urine and the back of my throat ...is written in french and means virtually nothing to me but hey, im in haiti.
i love you all and if you are in southeast ga...i might see you next week...whoo hoo.
...but instead of telling you all the things i didn't get to that i "needed to" or walking you through all the lovely details of my super strange illness (don't worry aunt sabra i will tell you every detail later) i thought i would tell you what happens to you at faith hope love infant rescue when you are sicker than you have ever been in your whole life...
your beautiful roomates bring you water and vitamins and ibrophen and put them in arms reach of wherever you happen to have been able to fall asleep...even if it is right in the middle of the floor and totally in their way...and even if it is their vacation
those same lovely roomates turn your entire room into a quite zone 24 hours a day...even when you are awake...
you come from a bath to find that the "big kids" have come in and made you pancakes out of their toys to help make you well...
even though it is the worst possible time for you to have gotten sick and there is so much to do that you can't help with you get to see how God works it all together for his glory and how others jump in to help and make it all work...even if you have to hear about it afterwards b/c you are too delirous to know what is going on :)
you hear children randomly call your name throughout the day let you know that they are praying for you...
medications...malaria tests...nurses to adminster them...all happen to be right there in the house which is handy...
the nannies...every time you stumble your way into the kitchen looking for some kind of relief...meds...ice...you usually run into at least 2 or 3 beautiful haitian woman who will inquire about your health in creole and at least pretend to understand what you say...they will pray for you freely right then and there...and when you have been sick for a while and you are looking pretty rough...especially in the hair area...they will look away and pretend not to notice...:)
even though your illness has made life totally boring...the beautiful boy you are supposed to be teaching won't complain...he will come and sit quietly on your bed until you fall asleep and will read to you since it hurts to hold your eyes or the book open...he even does all the voices
did i mention amazing roomates....more water...more meds...more getting of the things it seems are just so far away...the insisting that you eat and silly stuff like that...even more the offer to cook for you the stuff they are insisting you eat. the funny stories from school and boat and relationships to distract you from the huge temper tantrum your body is throwing.
even though it means she is having to do clinic and meds and deal with new babies and the trips to the base to try to get kids onto the surgery boat and a million other things without any help from you...dorothy still manages in to come in after all that as ask how YOU are doing...wow.
when it is finally too much and things just aren't getting better the beautiful dorothy and roomates will pack you into the car and haul you in to give your blood and pee and throat yuck to see what in the world is wrong with you...which means driving at night in haiti...and they will do it again the very next night if need be...and if they find out you don't have dengue fever...they will let you hold a baby on the way home.
when you finally emerge into the land of the living again children will flock to you like you have been gone a year but they will be easy on you too like somehow they know you aren't ready...they will ask to dance because they know you need to hear they want to but they won't beg because they know you really can't do it...not today...maybe tomorrow...
and ti zwazo will clap her hands and laugh. oh man.
there has been something really educational about being really sick right in the midst of this life...there is no where in this house you can go that life isn't happening...that you can't hear the laughs and cries of children, the scolds of nannies, the banging of pot and the washing of bottoms...but even when sounds and lights seem to hurt having to lay very still while it all happens around makes you understand it in a whole new way. and i hope i will value every day that i don't have a headache the way i valued the first hour i didn't have one after those days of having one...and even though i have always had probably more sympathy for a sick child than i actually needed i think listening to them while also being one has given me a different insight as to what it is to live that that...and i think i am a much better person for it....just the reminder that this very intricate, very busy, very difficult life could very well continue on with out me and it is not a necessity that i be involved here at all but something i am blessed enough to get to participate in was really good for me...there was so much...i wish i hadn't been so darn sick so i could have written all my revelations down :)...i received some of the most plain and precious and pure offerings of love from some of the deepest and most honest places in the hearts of the people here...that sounds very dramatic and over the top but it is very true and so you should know...and just so you know i don't have any dreaded fever or malaria and i am in fact going to live..so yay. i even have several pages of information about what is going on in my blood and my urine and the back of my throat ...is written in french and means virtually nothing to me but hey, im in haiti.
i love you all and if you are in southeast ga...i might see you next week...whoo hoo.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
bon fet
so i have some of my family here this week so and there is so much to say about that i don't know where to begin so we will leave that for now...a play by play of a ridiculous and wonderful week will be in order soon....however...something happened this week that i can't wait any longer to share...the bon fet of bon fets (read the happy birthday of happy birthdays)..three of our kids had birthdays this week including jetline...our 2nd oldest kid...so i was determined to have an extravaganza...so while we were out that day kervens and i did a little shopping...kervs bought the kids gifts and i, of course, took care of the snacks... that night we baked funfetti brownies and fancied up the dining room with some help from mama dorothy's party supply box...the plan was to bring up the big kids and the birthday kids for dress up and party time...but since two of the three birthday peeps were little ones so we decided we needed to bring at least one friend for each of them...and then we figured that frantzo and jj (our two that aren't really babies but aren't in the big kid club yet) could handle it...and that poutchino would really love it...before we knew it we had all the kids...all the nannies...and all of us in the dining room with sequins and eyepatches and hats and cowboy boots flying...needless to say it might have been one of the greatest nights of my life...and i am sure the birthday kids had an okay time too...:)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
can you be addicted to a baby?
so i am staying with mama kati and sam and kervens over at sherrie's school which is so great because it has been so weird to have them here in haiti but not be with me...however...i am totally missing my ti zwazo...i think i might have a problem...is there a babies anonymous? anyway, i hear she is doing okay just super cranky...her mama and keziah and i took her and johnny j and loveinsky to the aids clinic at ti frer ti ser yesterday and a bowl of cheez-its, two packs of the "green cookies", countless packs of regular bon bon, three spilled cups of water, 4 temper tantrums (all loveinsky), one pulled NG tube later we were headed home...yeah, i have decided that loveinsky can no longer be considered the epitome of love itself b/c he is not in fact patient and is in fact jealous so he is disqualified on two counts...but we are keeping the name b/c when he smiles that ridiculous smile...yeah....
our kids as a whole are doing really great...several family members have visited recently which is so great for the kids...jimson is walking like a pro now...miltha, johnny, love are close...and there is a lot more talking going on...frantzo and jj and jojo and so many others are saying names and answering questions...it is so exciting! also...poutchino is still seizure free on his new med and is pulling up and trying to walk all the time...he is so quick! not to mention how well he is eating and how great his moods are! richardson is doing great on his "get ready for school" school...he is so excited to go to school like his big sister gertie...and he is doing great with his english too...gert is gert...quite a mess but wonderful and amazing and such a little mama...she has also cut way back on the temper tantrums which is nice...that girl has a will that will change this world...what an honor to see it being molded and shaped!! oh i love these ti moun yo so so so much!
my mama and my sister and my taniuska are all coming to visit on saturday for a week and i am so beyond excited...my mama got her passport in the mail yesterday so she is all official now! holy holy! i hope haiti is ready for those crizazy wonderful women...:)
i will be in the states for a few days...april 19-27th to be more informative...which means that i also bought my plane ticket for my last month here today which was really weird...i will officially be returning to the states on june 8th...after that...all kinds of thoughts and ideas...hmmm....
our kids as a whole are doing really great...several family members have visited recently which is so great for the kids...jimson is walking like a pro now...miltha, johnny, love are close...and there is a lot more talking going on...frantzo and jj and jojo and so many others are saying names and answering questions...it is so exciting! also...poutchino is still seizure free on his new med and is pulling up and trying to walk all the time...he is so quick! not to mention how well he is eating and how great his moods are! richardson is doing great on his "get ready for school" school...he is so excited to go to school like his big sister gertie...and he is doing great with his english too...gert is gert...quite a mess but wonderful and amazing and such a little mama...she has also cut way back on the temper tantrums which is nice...that girl has a will that will change this world...what an honor to see it being molded and shaped!! oh i love these ti moun yo so so so much!
my mama and my sister and my taniuska are all coming to visit on saturday for a week and i am so beyond excited...my mama got her passport in the mail yesterday so she is all official now! holy holy! i hope haiti is ready for those crizazy wonderful women...:)
i will be in the states for a few days...april 19-27th to be more informative...which means that i also bought my plane ticket for my last month here today which was really weird...i will officially be returning to the states on june 8th...after that...all kinds of thoughts and ideas...hmmm....
Friday, March 27, 2009
wait and let me warm up your ice cream...so
so today kez and i took baby miltha for a chest x-ray and then stopped by epi d'or to introduce her to the miracle of ice cream...at 9am. she was down for the sugar rush but appalled that anyone would make anything so cold...it was pretty much amazing...then we came home to witness another milestone...ti zwazo...our newest addition who is still subsisting solely on pediasure through an ng tube and her beloved cheez-its CRAWLED! we left her in the room on the floor in our efforts to not hold her ALL THE TIME and thus ruin her for life once she is healthier...she was having no part of it and when dorothy turned around there she was crawling to follow us...and mad as could be for having been left alone...of course the fact that all three of us responded to her tremendous effort by running for our cameras and smiling and laughing and clapping not picking her up RIGHT AWAY only made the tiny bird more furious...if looks could kill...that is my day so far...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
so the biggest story since i got home and the one that has had me so overwhelmed that doing anything...including writing about it...has been an extra challenge...on saturday after getting in from our trip to gonaives and saying bye to the team and meeting ti zwazo and seeing our kids i had missed and mama dorothy and kez and dannae and the nannies...i went to take the much needed bath...everyone was excited....when i came out i heard the car leaving (everyone hears when our car leaves) and since we rarely ever drive a dark i immediately thought something was wrong with the baby...instead i found dorothy holding her and saying that what we had been hearing rumor of and dreading had happened...the government had come into the ravine where many of our kids come from, where many of sherrie's students live, where keziah walks and treats sick children and families every week and knocked down over 300 homes...crushed them and pushed the debris into the ravine where it would be neary impossible to salvage from...kez and sam were on their way down to see what they could do...
after praying and hugging and at least laying eyes on as many families as they could...they managed to secure a warehouse as very temporary sleeping space for all the people who were now homeless and hadn't found somewhere to spend the night...not long after that...it started to rain...probably the hardest thing i have done since i have been in haiti...maybe in my whole life....was to lay my head down in a dry bed, under a solid roof, with a full belly that night....
the next day i went down with kez and sam to survey the situation in the daylight...it is so overwhelming and it is only the beginning... more sections are coming down every day...all in the supposed name of progress...the mayor claims to be planning to widen and repair roads...even if that were true...they are destroying at a much faster rate than they could ever hope to build...and displacing 1000s of the poorest people with little or no warning and no compensation after they would have just struggled to come up with a year's rent 2 months ago. the odds of finding a place and money to pay for it with are at their worst and even leaving town for the country puts them away from resources, schools and meals for their kids, medical care, jobs, missionaries...you get the idea. it is such a mess...kez was able to help some of her families, sherrie some of hers, and i drove down and helped move one of our nannies out of her home which is scheduled for demolition. but the effects of this are going to be so lasting and it overwhelms my heart...who and where and how to help ....the questions are so big and it makes me feel so small...how do i show these people that god is bigger than this...that his love for them is bigger than this...
after praying and hugging and at least laying eyes on as many families as they could...they managed to secure a warehouse as very temporary sleeping space for all the people who were now homeless and hadn't found somewhere to spend the night...not long after that...it started to rain...probably the hardest thing i have done since i have been in haiti...maybe in my whole life....was to lay my head down in a dry bed, under a solid roof, with a full belly that night....
the next day i went down with kez and sam to survey the situation in the daylight...it is so overwhelming and it is only the beginning... more sections are coming down every day...all in the supposed name of progress...the mayor claims to be planning to widen and repair roads...even if that were true...they are destroying at a much faster rate than they could ever hope to build...and displacing 1000s of the poorest people with little or no warning and no compensation after they would have just struggled to come up with a year's rent 2 months ago. the odds of finding a place and money to pay for it with are at their worst and even leaving town for the country puts them away from resources, schools and meals for their kids, medical care, jobs, missionaries...you get the idea. it is such a mess...kez was able to help some of her families, sherrie some of hers, and i drove down and helped move one of our nannies out of her home which is scheduled for demolition. but the effects of this are going to be so lasting and it overwhelms my heart...who and where and how to help ....the questions are so big and it makes me feel so small...how do i show these people that god is bigger than this...that his love for them is bigger than this...
behold the power of cheese...its
so back to the cheez-its...this baby who has refused to eat and pretty much been the epitome of pitiful since i met her (barely even crying and even managing to sleep in a way that seems pitiful) and i were hanging out and i stopped by my room for a handful of crackers..this child who has done nothing but lay there reached out her hand...so i gave her a flake that probably amounted to an eighth of a cheez-it cracker knowing that she had refused to eat anything by mouth so far and expecting the same result...by the time we got to the next room she was munching away and then sat up to reach back towards my room and whimper...this was by far the most action i had seen out of this kid so i headed back that way...confused as to what could be going on...but when she saw the cheez-it box she totally went for it...so i got her a bowl of what was mostly crumbs anyway (anything in the cracker/chip family is usually mostly crumbs by the time it makes it to our store shelves) and the baby who hadn't let us put anything in her mouth and has gagged everytime we put milk in her ng tube FED HERSELF cheez-it crumbs the rest of the night! so the next 3 days went as such...she would let us do pretty much anything as long as some cheez-its were involved...the baby who never wants to be put down would even gladly lay down quietly and sleep in her own bed as long as she had a mouth full of cheez-it crumbs...cheez-its might save this baby's life...i have always been a fan but this takes it to a whole new level...keziah and i went on quite the little walking adventure to find this baby some more cheez-its and are working on a letter to the company to see if we can get them to make a nutritionally enhanced form of cheez-it...or at least give us a lifetime supply...anyway...the pictures really say it all...
before cheez-its...
and after...
before cheez-its...
and after...
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
ti bird
so i am sitting in kerven's extra bed with a tiny little bird asleep (thank goodness) next to me....her name is rosetiana...she is 21 months old, 10 1/2 pounds, hiv postive...and not only does she have a major thing for rubbing her braids...she is apparently addicted to cheez-its...ti rose, or ti zwazo as i like to call her (little bird) came to faith hope love while i was still in gonaives with kathy and the team....i was already pretty anxious to get home to rue dalia but when i heard about her i really couldn't get here fast enough...she is so beautiful and precious but heartbreakingly sick...she just finished a 2 week stint in the hospital for malnutrition but after a week back at home she is back to where she was before the hospital...her little belly is so sunken in and she is so small and frail that it is hard to remember she is almost 2 years old...especially when you dress her in 6-9 month onesies and feed her 60cc of pediasure every hour through an ng tube...
go..going...gone...went? who invented english anyway...
so after much back and forth and one sleepless night i decided that i was in fact supposed to go up to gonaives (the worst of the flooded areas from september 2008...and 2004 for that matter) with the team that came from berry college/sunny brooks marketplace....it wasn't that i didn't want to go...i just didn't want to be away from here all week...but it felt right and it was...but what a week to wait and try to blog about all at once...and it seems like old news compared to what has happened since...but we will get to that....
so on sunday after church and saying good bye to the wonderful team from new vision fellowship kervens and i headed to the airport with emory and mary and austin betz (a really great guy from wisconsin who has come to help out with the wilson's work in gonaives for the next few months) to do the hurry up and wait dance...about two bottles of water in they finally began to emerge from building into the chaos that is leaving the pap airport...no matter what you do to try to prepare and organize the process it is a lot of grapping and yelling and searching the crowd...it was so great to see those lovely familiar faces of kathy and cory and sam and kevin...and then of course the 4 new and very overwhelmed ones from berry college! after some rearranging of bags and tying everything down we piled into and onto the truck and headed for an orphanage about halfway up...it was so weird and so lovely to be sitting on top of suitcases next to kathy brooks...oh how i have missed her! but it was a little tough to catch up in the back of a truck barreling down a dusty road...a week later i still don't feel like we have really had the chance to do that...but we have gotten to do lots of other stuff so it is okay :)
we spent the night at the orphanage which meant getting to meet lot of new kids and see our precious emily marie who lives there now that she well, fat and sassy! she spent some critical time here at faith hope love and was natasha's baby...how wonderful to get to check up on her! she can even say tasha's name now! the best thing about the night for me was probably when i walked into a hallway and about 30 screaming, laughing, soaking wet, naked children came barreling at me out of a bathroom at the other end...followed by a nanny who had obviously given up on trying to keep this crowd calm amidst the arrival of a gwo machin (big truck) and lots of blancs (us)! i wish i had a picture or video...but i know i will never forget the image...it was so priceless...
in the morning we headed out again and after a few stops for haitian goodies from streetside merchan and a potty break or two we were in gonaives...a place that has rested in my mind and heart, my thoughts and prayers so very often since my last trip last june, but a place i haven't seen since the flooding caused by 4 back to back hurricances last fall. some things were stikingly the same...others completely unrecognizable...it would be a week of continuous revelations as on each outing i would see some new evidence of loss, or some new sign of life going on...
during the week the group as a whole would work on some damaged roofs, shovel some mud, visit, pray with, and treat some ill and injured members of the community and help with the daily food distribution at jubilee and raboto...one of our big jobs of the week was finding children who had been tested by an earlier group for vitamin and iron deficencies...the children who were in critical ranges needed vitamins...so we just had to find them, give them the meds, and explain to them and the crowd around why the whole bottle should be give to this one child...not all the kids in the family or the community...pa problem! it went really well though with some major help from kervens translating and some great guidance by the holy spirit...we were able to distribute almost all of the bottles and to make some great connections with the children and families of jubilee...
the feeding programs proved to be a big challenge for the group as a whole and a major place of learning and growing for us all...what a thing to do every single day...god bless the hands that have taken that on...may they be daily strengthened for the tasks before them....the big thing that i learned in that place was how much more we are saying to these children...that they get way more from us in that building every day than rice and beans...and it is really important to be concious of what i am giving the people around me with the way i live...everything communiates...what am i saying?
i also learned a lot about communal living sleeping on the roof every night...good times....
i was a beautiful and devastating time of seeing the beauty of the people of gonaives...seeing the devastation they have endured...seeing the fire and spirit with which they have endured it...there is so much to say and i know it will keep coming out as i process the whole experience...so i guess keep checking back...
one thing that was interesting and good was how ready i was to get back to my babies here in port...i missed them so much! and the night before i got home i found out we had a new baby...21 months old and 10 1/2 pounds...hiv positive...which brings me to my next story...
so on sunday after church and saying good bye to the wonderful team from new vision fellowship kervens and i headed to the airport with emory and mary and austin betz (a really great guy from wisconsin who has come to help out with the wilson's work in gonaives for the next few months) to do the hurry up and wait dance...about two bottles of water in they finally began to emerge from building into the chaos that is leaving the pap airport...no matter what you do to try to prepare and organize the process it is a lot of grapping and yelling and searching the crowd...it was so great to see those lovely familiar faces of kathy and cory and sam and kevin...and then of course the 4 new and very overwhelmed ones from berry college! after some rearranging of bags and tying everything down we piled into and onto the truck and headed for an orphanage about halfway up...it was so weird and so lovely to be sitting on top of suitcases next to kathy brooks...oh how i have missed her! but it was a little tough to catch up in the back of a truck barreling down a dusty road...a week later i still don't feel like we have really had the chance to do that...but we have gotten to do lots of other stuff so it is okay :)
we spent the night at the orphanage which meant getting to meet lot of new kids and see our precious emily marie who lives there now that she well, fat and sassy! she spent some critical time here at faith hope love and was natasha's baby...how wonderful to get to check up on her! she can even say tasha's name now! the best thing about the night for me was probably when i walked into a hallway and about 30 screaming, laughing, soaking wet, naked children came barreling at me out of a bathroom at the other end...followed by a nanny who had obviously given up on trying to keep this crowd calm amidst the arrival of a gwo machin (big truck) and lots of blancs (us)! i wish i had a picture or video...but i know i will never forget the image...it was so priceless...
in the morning we headed out again and after a few stops for haitian goodies from streetside merchan and a potty break or two we were in gonaives...a place that has rested in my mind and heart, my thoughts and prayers so very often since my last trip last june, but a place i haven't seen since the flooding caused by 4 back to back hurricances last fall. some things were stikingly the same...others completely unrecognizable...it would be a week of continuous revelations as on each outing i would see some new evidence of loss, or some new sign of life going on...
during the week the group as a whole would work on some damaged roofs, shovel some mud, visit, pray with, and treat some ill and injured members of the community and help with the daily food distribution at jubilee and raboto...one of our big jobs of the week was finding children who had been tested by an earlier group for vitamin and iron deficencies...the children who were in critical ranges needed vitamins...so we just had to find them, give them the meds, and explain to them and the crowd around why the whole bottle should be give to this one child...not all the kids in the family or the community...pa problem! it went really well though with some major help from kervens translating and some great guidance by the holy spirit...we were able to distribute almost all of the bottles and to make some great connections with the children and families of jubilee...
the feeding programs proved to be a big challenge for the group as a whole and a major place of learning and growing for us all...what a thing to do every single day...god bless the hands that have taken that on...may they be daily strengthened for the tasks before them....the big thing that i learned in that place was how much more we are saying to these children...that they get way more from us in that building every day than rice and beans...and it is really important to be concious of what i am giving the people around me with the way i live...everything communiates...what am i saying?
i also learned a lot about communal living sleeping on the roof every night...good times....
i was a beautiful and devastating time of seeing the beauty of the people of gonaives...seeing the devastation they have endured...seeing the fire and spirit with which they have endured it...there is so much to say and i know it will keep coming out as i process the whole experience...so i guess keep checking back...
one thing that was interesting and good was how ready i was to get back to my babies here in port...i missed them so much! and the night before i got home i found out we had a new baby...21 months old and 10 1/2 pounds...hiv positive...which brings me to my next story...
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